


Chasing the Sun

by Action Kitty (Lyra_87)



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Drug Use, F/M, Running Away
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-07
Updated: 2014-08-06
Packaged: 2018-01-07 21:19:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 41,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1124517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lyra_87/pseuds/Action%20Kitty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lilly was going through life, never doing anything out of the ordinary. What happens when a cute American boy enters her life and makes her crave more out of her mundane life?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

She lay on her back, earphones on full volume as she enjoyed the feeling of the sun on her face and bare arms.  
  
It was a Saturday, which meant she had a day off work.  
  
Having a small group of friends who were always busy during the weekend meant Lilly stayed indoors during the weekends for the most part. However, something extraordinary happened today.  
  
It was sunny.  
  
While in most places this was nothing new Lilly lived in Dublin, Ireland.This meant green fields and pissing rain were a normal part of life. Good weather was something like a holiday. It made everybody feel good.  
  
Lilly could not bare the thought of staying indoors when she seldom got to enjoy the glorious feeling of her pale skin being slowly destroyed by the sun’s warm and dangerous rays, which is why she was currently in the park, book forgotten on the grass beside her as her lay down on the warm, dry grass, listening a playlist of her favourite songs on her IPod.  
  
Her annoyance at being on her own for a weekend yet again was currently being forgotten about as the sun’s warm rays made her feel relaxed. The park was packed, students and families alike making the most of the unusually nice weather.Lilly was not the only person who knew it would be stupid not to take advantage of the good weather.The music pounding in her eyes made her oblivious to the world around her as she closed her eyes.  
  
Life, at this moment, was good. Boring, but good none the less.  
  
Her job working as a teacher was going quite well considering it was her first year out of college. Her family were good and there was currently no drama or disputes going on.Sometimes though, she wished something would come along and shake things up a bit.  
Maybe something new could come along, like a sudden opportunity to travel or an exciting new job, anything at all to take away from the monotony of her current day to day living.Suddenly Lilly felt a chill in the air as the orange light she could see when her eyes were closed disappeared.  
  
She opened her eyes in a slight panic and saw the clouds overtake the sun. Her earphones fell out of her ears as she looked to her left, to see if the park was still busy. She was surprised to see that there was a young man sitting near her, whose eyes were currently focused on her. He had floppy raven hair, and wore sunglasses which covered his eyes. He wore a black band t-shirt and a pair of jeans, and had a sketch pad resting on his lap. He smiled at her when she looked at him, and she couldn’t help the blush that spread to her cheeks as she began to feel uncomfortable and self conscious.  
  
How long had he been looking at her? Was he drawing her?  
  
Did he think she was pretty?  
  
 _A guy you don’t know is staring at you and all you can think about is if he thinks you’re cute?_  
  
Her Inner Voice pointed out in a exasperated tone.  
  
 _Well, it has been a while since the last time I got laid, so sue me!_  
  
Lilly and her inner voice argued a lot. They had different views on life. While Lilly was a glass is half full kind of girl, her inner voice was more of a ‘what glass?’ kind of voice. She ignored her Inner Voice before it could reply as she gave the strange man a small smile back, not sure if she should be flattered or freaked out.  
  
She wasn’t a particularly pretty girl. She was short, had dark brown shoulder length hair, and green almond shaped eyes. Her nose was small with a small scar on the tip from a ferocious battle with the chicken pox when she was five. This guy was cute, and exactly her type physically speaking. Which meant there was no way in hell he was checking her out, guys like him never saw girls like her.  
  
Maybe there was something on her face?  
  
After a few seconds of looking at each other, during which all these thoughts went through Lilly’s head, the cute guy broke the awkward atmosphere.  
  
‘Hi.’  
  
It was a simple introduction which gave Lilly one piece of information about cute guy.  
  
He wasn’t Irish. His accent was definitely American.  
  
I always had a thing for the American accent. Lilly said to herself.  
 __  
As if American guys are any better than Irish guys. Her Inner Voice spoke out again.  
  
‘Hey’ she replied, feeling awkward when she realised she was actually speaking to cute guy.  
  
‘I’m Gerard’ he said, giving Lilly a name to put to his handsome face.  
  
Cute guy was a lot better though.  
  
‘ I’m Lilly’ she replied, sitting up so that she was now level with him.  
  
He smiled. ‘That’s a pretty name’  
  
‘Do you always start conversations with girls you don’t know?’  
  
Lilly didn’t know where her sudden confidence to have a conversation with cute guy came from (she decided he would be forever known as cute guy) but she decided to take advantage of it. Being quiet and socially awkward had never gotten her anywhere before, so for once she should do something that took her out of her self-made bubble.  
  
He chuckled.  
  
‘Not really, but seeing as I’m new here and don’t know anyone I figured I’d give it a try.’  
  
He flashed her that oh so charming smile again. It was a good thing she was sitting on the grass or she swore she would have swooned.  
  
‘Where are you from?’  
  
‘New Jersey.’  
  
‘What brings you to the lovely Emerald Isle?’  
  
‘A job.’  
  
‘Are you here long?’  
  
‘Do you always ask so many questions?’ He asked, his smile suggesting he was amused.  
  
She wished he would take his sunglasses off. She always felt uncomfortable talking to people when she couldn’t make direct eye contact with them. She felt as though a person who hid behind sunglasses had something to hide.  
  
‘I do when a random stranger starts talking to me.’  
  
‘Fair point.’ His smile widened, showing off his teeth, which were white and small.  
  
Lilly smiled back, not sure how to keep the conversation going. Conversing with strangers was never her strong point. Luckily, Gerard seemed to be better at it.  
  
‘So, are you from the city?’ he asked.  
  
‘I’m originally from a town about an hour away, I moved here a few months ago for a job.’  
  
 _I’m not sure you should be telling a stranger too much about yourself_.Her Inner Voice spoke up again.  
  
Oh , SHUT UP! She screamed in her head.  
  
‘What kind of job?’  
  
‘I’m a primary school teacher.’  
  
He looked at her puzzled.  
  
‘It’s what we call elementary school.’ She explained.  
  
‘Oh cool, sounds fun’  
  
‘Meh, it has its good days and bad days. What do you do?’ She asked, wanting to know more about him.  
  
‘I’m an illustrator; I just got a job with a small company. I thought it’d be nice to go somewhere new for a while. Got to do something new every once in awhile, don’t you think?’  
  
‘I guess so’ she replied smiling.  
  
As he moved his sunglasses away from his eyes, his hazel eyes finally making contact with her own green eyes, she suddenly got the feeling that this was the beginning of the adventure she was looking for, whether she was ready or not.  
  


### Notes


	2. Chapter Two

  
They continued looking at each other for a moment, before Lilly broke the eye contact.

She was never good when it came to eye contact. It always felt invasive if someone stared at her for too long, she could not help but feel that she was being judged if a person looked at her for longer than was strictly necessary.

And Cute Guy had gone past that point long ago.

As much as she tried to push the feeling of being uncomfortable away, she couldn’t.

Rome wasn’t built in a day and Lilly certainly wasn’t going to become a social creature who could talk to strangers as though she had known them forever, even for Cute American Guys.

His gaze was intense and piercing, as though he could see right through her and know what she was thinking and he was definitely judging her.

_He could be a psychopath you know, you should make up some excuse and go before you do something stupid and embarrass yourself._ Her inner voice piped up again.

Inner Voice never stayed quiet for too long.

‘Erm… I should probably get going’ she mumbled, reaching for her bag which was on the grass beside her.

‘Oh…’ he said, surprised. ‘Was it something I said?’ He asked, sounding somewhat confused.  
Lilly sighed.

She could make up some excuse about how she needed to be somewhere, or had something important to do but she wasn’t a good liar. According to her best friend she got a twinkle in her eye whenever she lied. People could always see right through her when she tried to lie.

Plus, she didn’t know Cute Guy well enough to need to lie to him. It wasn’t like she was ever going to see him again if she was being realistic about the situation.

‘No, I’m just not good at talking to people. Especially strangers.’ She explained, unable to keep the exasperation out of her voice.

He was silent for a few seconds, a thoughtful expression on his face.

‘How do you define a stranger?’ he asked, flashing that charming smile again.

A confused expression flashed across her face. She was puzzled as to where he was going with this.

‘Someone I don’t know.’ She replied cautiously.

‘Well, maybe you should get to know me. Then I wouldn’t be a stranger anymore.’

He said this with such childish simplicity that she couldn’t help but laugh a little.

‘Ask me anything you want.’ he continued. ‘’We can make a game of it, ask me a question and I’ll answer honestly. We’ll take turns asking questions.’

If she wasn’t concerned before, she was now.

‘I don’t know…’ she said, not sure if she was comfortable with his persistence in forming some sort of acquaintance.

‘C’mon…’ he persisted. ‘I won’t ask anything too creepy I promise. You don’t have to answer anything you don’t want to. Live a little’

And there he went flashing that smile again.

She wondered if he always used that smile to get what he wanted.

What’s the worst that could happen? If he turned out to be a creep she could just leave.

_If he doesn’t murder and or rape you first you mean._

_I’m in a public place, stop being so overdramatic!_

‘Fine. Ask anything creepy and I’m gone though’ She relented, trying to sound more intimidating than she felt.

‘Deal’ he said, looking overly pleased with himself.

He put his sketch pad on the grass beside him as he focused himself entirely on her.

Lilly couldn’t help the blush that rose to her cheeks as she realised she now had his complete undivided attention, and even though it made her feel uncomfortable, she would be lying if she said a small part didn’t enjoy it.

_Hussy_.

She really needed to find a way to shut her Inner Voice up. She was beginning to be a real pain in the ass.

‘Okay, you start then seeing as this was your idea.’ She said, curious to see how he would begin.

‘Okay, we’ll start with the basic stuff I suppose. Full name?’

A normal, simple question

_Told you_ she taunted to her Inner Voice.

‘Lilly Imelda Madden.’

‘Gerard Arthur Way.’

He held out his hand, and Lilly felt a sudden jolt of electricity shoot through her body as she clasped her hand in his. His hands were rough, large and he took her hand with a strong grip as he shook it.

You could tell a lot about someone by their handshake, or so Lilly had been told. A strong handshake was a sign of a strong person who was confident. She tried to return his grip with equal strength, trying to show herself to be more confident and strong than she felt.

‘Age?’ she asked as she released her hand from his grip.

‘Twenty Three.’

He looked at her expectedly, awaiting her reply.

‘Oh, a lady never tells’ she said, smiling.

‘Okay, we need some ground rules. Don’t ask anything creepy or anything you wouldn’t answer’ He laughed, showing all his teeth.

_They’re freakishly small._

‘Fair enough. I’m twenty two.’

‘Okay, what’s your favourite colour?’

‘Blue.’ She answered without hesitation.

‘Mine too.’

_Of course it is, he’s gonna agree with anything you say to make sure he gets in your pants!_

_Oh, as though he’d actually be interested_ she mentally hissed back.

‘Star sign?’ She asked.

‘Aries.’

‘Natural born leaders, energetic, somewhat hot tempered. Not a bad sign to be under I suppose.‘

Lilly commented, shrugging her shoulders.

‘And yours is better?’ he asked with a raised eyebrow.

‘Of course, I’m a Sagittarius. We’re smart, funny, wise and always seeking to learn more about life. We’re also the sluts of the zodiac, but that’s just gossip in my opinion.’

Gerard snorted before laughing.

It was nice to hear him laugh she decided, even if it made her feel self conscious that he was laughing _at_ her rather than what she said.

‘Good to know that. Family?’

‘Mom, Dad, one brother, one sister, both older than me.’

‘I’ve one younger brother. Parents are divorced.’

‘Average American family then’ Lilly commented.

‘Pretty much’ he smiled in reply.

‘Favourite movie of all time?’

‘Oh man, that’s tough. It’s hard to pick one when there are so many good movies out there. A Clockwork Orange probably if I have to choose one.’

‘It’s a good movie granted, but how could you not pick the original Star Wars trilogy. Those movies made my childhood.’

‘They are awesome movies. Me and brother use to have a notebook when we were kids all about the movies, we were so into the movies.’

‘Aaww’ Lilly cooed. ‘That’s adorable!’

Gerard actually blushed a little at this.

Lilly felt like it was a little victory, feeling like she broke through his confident exterior somewhat if she could make him blush.

‘Favourite book?’ he asked, trying to deflect from his obvious embarrassment.

‘Easy, it’s gotta be Harry Potter. Best books ever. My life felt sadly empty when I finished the last book.’ She sighed dramatically.

‘I think I have to agree with you on that, although Catcher in the Rye is pretty good too.’

‘I never read it’ she confessed. ‘I was always told it was more of a guy’s book to be honest so I never bothered.’

‘Aw man, it’s a classic. You have to read it sometime.’ He said, smiling sweetly.

All he seemed to do was smile. It was almost annoying, nobody should smile so much.

But God, he did have an amazing smile.

‘What kind of music do you like?’

‘Punk, metal, bit of Brit pop. Any good music really as long as it’s good.’ He laughed.

‘I’m more of a rock, indie, nu-metal girl myself, with a bit of grunge thrown in. You can’t beat Nineties grunge.’

‘Not bad. What’s your favourite band then?’

‘Probably Linkin Park, Interpol are pretty good too.’

‘What? I have to say I’m disappointed. It’s got to be Megadeath and Danzig all the way, man. Black Flag are really good too.’

‘I’ve never heard of Danzig or Black Flag.’ Lilly admitted.

Gerard stared at her with a blank expression.

‘What a sad life you’ve lead’ he said with a mock sympathetic look, shaking his head at her.

‘Whatever’ she said ‘I just had better music to listen too, ok?’ She stuck her tongue out.

‘I can see you’re a very mature person.’ He said, laughing again.

‘So I’ve been told. It’s why I work with kids.’ She said while laughing.

‘Okay, back to the game, any hobbies?’ She asked.

‘Probably drawing, playing guitar really badly.’

‘You’re not athletic then, I admire that. Sports are over rated. ‘

‘I use to play soccer actually; I wasn’t very good though so I took early retirement after middle school.’

Lilly laughed again. She couldn’t remember the last time someone made her laugh so much. It felt good and scary at the same time. She was enjoying his company far too much.

Before she could reply, her phone started to ring. Looking at the screen she saw it was her sister calling.

‘Sorry, gotta take this’ she said, not waiting for his reply before she answered.

‘Hey, what’s up?’ She said answering her phone.

‘Dude, are you still heading out later?’ Her sister was never one to beat around the bush.

‘Oh, I’d forgotten about that. I’m still in, where are we meeting?’

‘Call around to mine, we’ll have a few drinks before heading out.’

‘Sounds good, what time?’

‘Call over for about eight.’

Lilly checked her watch, it was five o’clock now. She’d have to leave now if she wanted to make it on time.

‘Okay, I’ll see you then.’

With that, her sister hung up.

She looked at Gerard, who had been listening the whole time.

‘Sorry about that’ she started, as she suddenly wished she didn’t have to leave.

‘It’s ok.’ He said, that smile still on his face.

‘I actually have to go now, I forgot I made plans for tonight.’

‘Oh’ he said, as a look of disappointment flickered across his face.

‘Sorry. It was really nice to meet you Gerard.’ She said with sincerity, as she felt a wave of disappointment wash through her.

_‘Don’t be so over dramatic. It was never going to end any other way.’_

Then she suddenly had an idea.

Before she could register that she was talking, she blurted out

‘Would you like to go out with me tonight?’

_What the fuck did you just do? Are you CRAZY?_

For once, Lilly agreed with Inner Voice.

Her face turned a beetroot red shade as embarrassment flooded through her, wishing the ground  
would open up and swallow her whole.

‘Uh, I meant, with me and my sister and her friends not like a date or anything. Oh God, you know what, forgot I said anything’

She said as she packed up her things with lightening speed, feeling like she was digging herself into an even bigger hole as she avoided looking at him.

‘I’d like that.’

She looked at him, and saw a self satisfied smirk on his way too pretty face.

She regretted asking him based on that look alone. His already inflated ego had just been further increased by her stupidity. She hated her foot in mouth disease, especially when it got her into situations like this.

She could hardly take it back now. She was raised with a certain amount of manners.

Plus, as much as she hated the smirk on his face right now, she really did want to see him again.  
She wanted to do something crazy or maybe just live a little bit and asking a strange cute American guy out for drinks definitely counted as crazy in her books.

‘Okay, um, do you know where Kennedy’s bar is?’

‘No, but I’ll find it, don’t worry.’

‘Okay, we should be there for about ten.’

‘Could I get your cell phone number? In case I get lost.’

‘Sure, you have a phone I can out my number into?’ she asked.

He rummaged through his messenger bag for a moment before he pulled a phone out and handed it to her.

‘By the way, we call them mobile’s over here, not cell phones.’ She said as she finished typing her number and handed the phone back to him.

‘Thanks’ he said with a smile as their hands briefly touched when he took the phone off her.

She couldn’t control the blush that spread to her cheeks with the sudden contact while he appeared entirely unaffected.

She stood up quickly and mumbled a quick goodbye as she raced from the park before she could embarrass herself further. 

### Notes


	3. Chapter 3

  
Lilly took her time getting ready for her night out.

Even though it was entirely possible that Gerard wouldn’t show up she wanted to impress him if he did happen to show up.

_Of course you do, you hussy! It’ll serve you right when-_

‘Oh shut up!’ she said out loud, finally silencing her Inner Voice as she finished getting ready.

She looked at herself in the mirror. She had lost a bit of weight recently so she was quite happy with her figure for the first time in years. She wore a little black dress that clung to her best assets.

Her makeup was done to highlight her one good feature, her eyes. She had large almond shaped light green eyes, which was the only thing she liked about herself.

She bit her lip, feeling butterflies flutter about in her stomach.

She never normally made an effort when she dressed to head out, because she never normally wanted to impress anyone when she went out.

But Gerard was different.

He might have been a bit of a creep, but he was a good looking, articulate and persistent creep who seemed like he could be good company.

Did she also mention the good looking part?

She knew the chances of him actually liking her in that way was quite slim, she never had much luck when it came to men so she wasn’t getting her hopes up.

It was nice to fancy someone again, though. It had been a while since she had even noticed a member of the opposite gender and she had forgotten what it was like to feel this way.

She turned away from her reflection as she went to grab her bag and check she had everything she needed before she turned the lights off and left the house, hoping that she would have a good night whether Gerard came or not.  
*****************************************************  
It was safe to Lilly was well and truly drunk by the time the group made it to the bar. Said group consisted of her sister, her two housemates Patrick and Devon and Devon’s girlfriend.

The one or two drinks they had originally planned on had turned into a couple of bottles of wine and a couple of beers each.

While everyone else seemed only slightly tipsy, Lilly felt like she was well and truly off-her-face drunk.

It was also quarter to eleven and there was no sign of Gerard yet. She tried not to feel disappointment every time she looked at her phone and saw he hadn’t text or called her yet.  
She should have known he wouldn’t show, she had told herself not to get her hopes up and yet she did it anyway. So she got herself another drink it hopes it would dull the ache of disappointment.

She paid for her drink at the bar and was walking back to the table everyone was sitting at when her phone suddenly started to vibrate. Checking her screen, she saw it was a text from a number she didn’t recognise.

_Hey, It’s Gerard (the creepy guy from earlier) sorry I’m late, are you still out?_

Lilly couldn’t help the wide grin that spread across her face as she quickly typed out a reply telling him they were still at the bar.

Her mood having picked up considerably, she realised she should probably explain to the group that they would soon have someone joining them as she rushed back to the table.

She gave as little detail as possible, but it didn’t her sister and Patrick from grinning at her with a smirk that said they knew there was more to the story than she was letting on. She was glad they didn’t ask her to expand on the matter.

Twenty minutes later her phone lit up again. Lilly picked it up straight away and her eyes scanned the screen eagerly.

_I’m here, where are you?_

She quickly text him back and told him she would meet him at the front bar as she stood up from her seat, swaying slightly as she suddenly felt the effects of the alcohol in her system.

‘Dude, take it easy. Don’t appear too eager.’ Her sister warned, unable to stop herself from chuckling slightly at her sister’s obviously nerves and desire to impress the strange American boy.

‘I’m fine’ she replied impatiently as she walked away from the table and made her way to the front bar.

It took her a moment to find him when she got there, but when she did she let herself enjoy the view for a moment before she approached him.

He was wearing a black shirt and black skinny jeans which looked amazing on him. His hair was pushed out of his face and she got a perfect view of his amazing handsome face.

He looked too good, and by that rational alone she knew he had no real chance with him. Her sister might if she took an interest in him, but there was no way this guy could actually find Lilly attractive or as anything other than a quick lay if he was desperate.

She took a deep breath as she approached him and came up beside him, tapping his shoulder.

He turned to look at her and smiled when his eyes landed on her own.

‘Hey’ he said, his accent sounding stronger than she remembered.

‘Hi’ she replied, suddenly feeling shy and very aware she was drunk. ‘I’m really drunk right now.’

He laughed.

‘I suppose I’ll have to catch up then’ he said with an easy smile.

‘Get a jàger-bomb, no get a double one, it’ll get you drunk in no time’ Lilly advised.

‘Okay, but fair warning I’m a clumsy drunk so you’re responsible if I get wasted’ he joked, playfully elbowing her arm, before ordering a double and one for Lilly.

‘I still can’t get use to the euro money’ he told her as he paid the bar tender ‘it feels like monopoly money.’

‘I know, but hey at least they’re colourful’

‘Again, just like monopoly money.’

‘Fair point’ she agreed as she took the drink the bar tender placed in front of them.

She turned to Gerard.

‘Bet I can drink this faster than you’ She declared with confidence.

He raised his eyebrow at her.

‘If that’s a challenge, I accept.’ He replied coolly, as he raised his glass.

Keeping their gaze on each other they both raised their glass to their lips and drank.

Gerard drank his with alarming speed, and Lilly struggled to keep up with him.

He won by a matter of milliseconds, setting his glass on the bar with a little force and a big grin.

‘I should mention that I can drink just about anyone under the table. I’m no lightweight’ he said with a chuckle.

‘Good for you’ Lilly muttered sourly.

‘Aw, don’t be such a sore loser.’ He said consolingly.

‘Want another one?’ She asked, wanting to change the subject.

‘Sure.’ He replied, smiling at her with a smile that showed his teeth.

She ordered them two shots.

Handing him his shot, she raised her own.

‘Here’s to international relations’ she declared.

He laughed.

‘To international relations’ he said, before drinking his shot in time with Lilly.  
************************************************

Two hours later everything became a blur to Lilly.

She was beyond drunk, but she didn’t care. Her and Gerard had stayed by themselves at the bar, ignoring the goings on of the world around them.

The alcohol helped Lilly let go of her self-consciousness and enjoy Gerard’s company and conversation without fear of what she would say.

As last orders were called Lilly went to find her sister and friends, to find they had already left.

‘Bastards’ she mumbled.

‘Is everything ok?’ Gerard asked, looking amused at Lilly’s cursing.

‘They left me without saying anything. I could be attacked or anything and they wouldn’t know.’ She said, not really caring that much.

‘Don’t worry; I’ll make sure you get home safe.’ He replied, slurring very slightly.

‘Do you promise?’ She asked in a teasing manner.

‘C’mon, let’s get out of here’ he said, grabbing her hand.

Lilly could feel her hand tingle in his grip as she followed him out of the pub into the crowded street.

‘If we walk up the road a bit it might be easier to get a taxi’ Lilly said with a giggle, laughing for no good reason other than she was drunk.

‘We could go back to mine if you want, I live just around the corner from here’ Gerard suggested, with a smile that told her exactly what he was offering by asking her back to his.

Lilly stopped suddenly and looked at him, surprised at the sudden turn in conversation.

Did she really want to become a random one night stand?

It had been well over a year since she last had sex due to her reluctance to partake in the world of casual sex.

Gerard gently pulled her towards him, giving her time to stop him or pull away.

She didn’t resist as he planted his lips on hers, in a kiss that was gentle and sweet.

He pulled away slightly, their noses touching as he tried to gage her reaction.

‘Your place sounds like a good idea’ she whispered, suddenly not caring about the consequences.

The rest of the night passed by in a haze that Lilly was sure she wouldn’t remember the next day as they reached his place, barely making it through his front door before tearing each other’s clothes off. 

### Notes


	4. Chapter Four

When Lilly woke up the sun was streaming into her bedroom, which was unusual as her bedroom never got the sunlight. It took her a minute to realise she wasn’t in her own room, and when it hit she suddenly remembered where she was and who she was with. She turned her head and saw a still sleeping Gerard to her left. He looked so peaceful when he was asleep, the cocky look he normally had on his face was gone showing just how young he was. Lilly’s heart did a funny little flip when she looked at him, enjoying the opportunity to just look at him without interruption or self consciousness.

She sighed softly as she rubbed a hand over her face. She couldn’t deny that she had enjoyed her night with Gerard, but with a pounding and sober head she realised that she had acted impulsively and that her actions would have consequences. She didn’t know if they had been careful it not, and she hoped that even in her drunken state she had been wise enough to not have unprotected sex.

‘So, how much are you freaking out right now?’

His voice was hoarse from sleep and his eyes were still closed, but his cocky smile was there on his face as always.

‘Out of ten, I’d say about an eight.’ She replied softly, wincing at the sound of her own voice as her head continued to pound unmercifully.

Gerard gave a low chuckle as he opened his eyes and turned to look at her, rolling onto his side.

‘Only an eight? I’m surprised; I was expecting a full blown ten.’

‘So was I.’ she admitted, wishing the pain in her head would go away and die a slow painful death.

He pulled Lilly into his arms, his body warm and comforting. She could smell the aftershave he had used the night before as she cuddled him. She inhaled his scent deeply, the smell making her stomach clench as she felt herself getting turned on again in spite of her pounding headache.

They stayed like that for what seemed like hours as the sick feeling in Lilly’s stomach died down to a mild sluggish feeling. It was one of the first times she had gotten to enjoy just being with another person without the need for words to fill the silence that so often becomes awkward even between the best of friends. For once she wasn’t thinking and it felt good.

The silence was inevitably broken, as it always is.

‘Do you want to go get breakfast somewhere?’

Lilly thought for a moment, wondering if her stomach could handle food at that moment.

‘Sure’ she replied, deciding that food might help her feel better.

Neither of them made a move to leave the bed which was extremely comfortable.

‘In order to get breakfast we need to get up.’ Gerard said sounding amused.

‘I know, but I’m just so comfy’ Lilly said with a sigh, her eyes still closed as she wrapped her arms tighter around Gerard.

He squeezed her tighter in return and kissed the top of her head.

She lifted her face to connect their lips, suddenly feeling confident.

He responded by applying more pressure to her lips, before rolling her onto her back and kissing her with more passion.

She moaned as she melted into the kiss, surprised she actually had the energy to do anything more than fall asleep again.

She felt his hand ghost over her cheek before he moved it down to her breast, giving it a light squeeze as he rubbed his thumb over her nipple, making her arch her back with a sudden jolt as though she had gotten an electric shock as she gasped in surprise. She responded by running her hands through his hair, grabbing onto his raven locks as he continued to massage her breast, before his hand trailed down between her legs.

He pulled his lips away from her own and attached them to her neck, lightly nipping the skin.

‘Wait a second’ she gasped out, pulling his hair to get him to look back up at her.

He groaned in frustration, as his eyes locked on her own with slight impatience.

‘What’s wrong?’ He sounded breathless.

‘Last night, were we… did we use any…protection?’ She asked, blushing with embarrassment wishing she didn’t have to ask.

He nodded. ‘Yeah’ he said quickly as he reattached his lips to her neck.

She slid her hands down his torso and grabbed a hold of erection, letting her thoughts slip away as her body began to heat up from his ministrations on her clitoris.

She could definitely get use to waking up this way.

‘Of course you could, nymph.’

Lilly couldn’t help but let out a small laugh at the snarling tone of her Inner Voice.

Gerard looked at her, a puzzled expression on his face.

She laughed even harder, and realized she couldn’t stop.

‘What’s so funny’ Gerard asked, sounding worried and frustration.

‘Nothing’ she stuttered out as she continued to laugh.

He pulled away from her, looking almost angry as he sighed.

‘I’m sorry’ she said consolingly as she started to calm down.

‘What was that about?’ he asked, looking like his ego had taken a bit of a blow.

‘Something random just popped into my head is all’ she said.

‘Nice to know I had your full attention’ he grumbled.

‘I’m sorry’ she repeated, as she pulled him back down on top of her, quickly reattaching her hand to his dick again.

They got back into the rhythm again quickly, with no more interruptions.

*********************************************************

An hour later, they were lying beside each other, sweating as they breathed heavily to catch their breath again.

‘I think I could eat now’ Lilly said, before she even realized she had voiced her thought.

‘I don’t think there’s any food here-‘ he started speaking when suddenly there was a loud bang from a door being slammed.

Lilly jumped out of her skin as she pulled the covers closer to her.

‘Shit’ Gerard muttered.

Lilly then suddenly realized her clothes were discarded on the open plan living room, and felt embarrassment rush through her as she could hear heavy footsteps walking around the living room.

‘Gerard, my man’ she heard a loud male voice call out with amusement in his voice. ‘Two days and you’ve already scored! Nice’ he ended with a giggle.

He was obviously still drunk.

Gerard quickly jumped out of his bed and out his boxers on.

‘It’s just my roommate. Hang on ’til I get rid of him, okay?’ he said in a low rushed voice as he pulled a random band t-shirt out of a press and put it on quickly.

He walked out the room, pulling the door behind him.

‘Dude, what did I tell you man? I told you the girls would go for the accent.’ The other male giggled while slurring his words. She heard another bang that sounded like he had bumped into a chair.

Gerard laughed.

‘Let’s get you into bed’ he said, and Lilly could picture him helping the other guy up.

Lilly zoned out, and started looking around his room. He had personalized his space quickly, and she could see a few movie posters up on his wall and scattered notebooks on his dresser along with some photographs.

Without thinking, she stood up and walked to his dresser to look at his pictures.

One of the frames was a collage of photos. One was of him with who she assumed were his parents. A few of them contain a mousy blond haired boy with rimmed glasses. She could see they had the same eyes, and she guessed this was his brother.

There were several group photos with his friends, however. She very quickly realized that in most of these pictures Gerard had his arms wrapped around a girl. She was beautiful, with long black hair, pale skin and big brown eyes. She couldn’t help the knot of jealously in her stomach as she took in the girl’s perfect features and pretty smile along with the happy smile on Gerard’s face.

Did he have a girlfriend back in New Jersey that he conveniently forgot to tell her about?

‘What else did you expect when you screw the first guy who shows you attention?’ Her Inner Voice taunted self righteously.

She bit her lip, knowing her Inner Voice was right. She knew he was too good to be true

All she wanted to do was leave, his bedroom suddenly feeling very small and claustrophobic. She regretted staying for so long as now she had to wait until Gerard came back with her clothes before she could leave, and right now he was the last person she wanted to see.

### Notes


	5. Chapter Five

Lilly jumped slightly as she heard the door open, turning around to see Gerard enter the room with her dress and underwear bundled up in his hands.

‘Hey’ he said softly, a smile gracing his face. ‘I got these for you.’

He walked over to her with quick steps, the smile still on his face as he failed to recognise the sudden change in Lilly’s body language. He handed her the clothes, which she took with shaking hands as she finally looked at him and made eye contact.

Her breath hitched for a moment, as she was momentarily side tracked by his amazing looks. His skin was flawless, his golden brown eyes were large clear and bright and his smile was the most charming thing she had ever seen.

Before she could pull herself together he locked his lips with hers, as his hands grabbed her hips and pulled her naked body into his own. She could feel his arousal growing under his flimsy boxers as his body heated up along with her own.

His hand travelled up to cup her breast, and she moaned when he squeezed it lightly before running his thumb over her nipple making her gasp. He smiled into the kiss and gave a chuckle before he pulled his lips away from her, breaking the temporary spell he held over her.

Mentally pulling herself together, Lilly had to remind herself that he was using her to cheat on his girlfriend. Behind the nice smile and charming façade he was nothing more than a opportunist who took the first chance he got to get another girl into bed.

She fell for the boyish charm and she got trampled on, yet again.

She felt her anger and indignation rise again as he spoke.

‘So, where do you want to go?’ he asked, as he fixed a piece of flyaway hair behind her ear in what appeared to be an affectionate move.

‘I don’t think breakfast is a good idea’ she said quickly, trying to keep her anger out of her voice. She didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he had hurt her. Guys like him enjoyed getting a reaction

_‘About time you learnt something!’_ Her Inner Voice spoke with triumph.

His face fell slightly, as a confused expression flashed across his face.

‘Why not’ he asked, as she swore he almost sounded hurt.

‘I have to go home and get changed; I’m not going anywhere in last night’s clothes’ she said, her voice hard.

‘We could get a cab back to yours first then, it’s not a big deal’ he replied.

‘I’d rather not’ she replied shortly her patience wearing thin as she stepped away from him and turned around, starting to put her clothes on.

‘Did I do something?’ he asked, frustration lacing his voice.

‘No’ she replied shortly.

He sighed angrily, and she was certain if she turned to look at him he would look pissed off.

‘Then what’s with the sudden bitchiness?’

Pulling her dress over her head, she turned around sharply.

‘Do you have a girlfriend?’ she asked accusingly, not thinking as her anger flared.

‘What? Why would you even think that?’ he asked, his voice rising in pitch slightly with indignation.

‘Answer the question.’

‘No, I don’t. If you must know I just broke up with someone a couple of months ago.’

She searched his face for any sign he was lying. She couldn’t find any.

‘Ok.’ She said, nodding her head in affirmation.

‘Ok? ... You just accused me of cheating on a girlfriend and all you have to say is ok?’ He was clearly angry, and Lilly felt ashamed for letting her jealously get to her so quickly.

This was why she avoided relationships. She always fell too quickly, and she lost her head in the excitement and rush of emotions. She let her emotions overwhelm her to the point that she left all logic and sense of self preservation behind, as she became consumed in the other person. This made her reluctant to trust anybody as her jealousy would be the most prominent of all these emotions.

‘I’m sorry’ she spoke in a small voice, kicking herself for possibly screwing up this… whatever it was, before it had even started.

‘Whatever’ he sighed angrily. ‘I’ll walk you out.’

Lilly could feel the tears beginning to well up and she kept her head down so Gerard wouldn’t see.

‘Don’t worry about it.’ She said her voice surprisingly strong as she walked past him and on out of his apartment. She didn’t need to look back to know he stood still as he let her leave.

*************************************************

When she got home she had spent a couple of hours working on lesson plans for the next day before she let herself get consumed in her feelings of shame, anger and regret. She was angry that she had let someone get under her skin so quickly. It was something she had avoided for exactly this reason but she let it happen anyway. She had no one to blame but her own idiotic self.

She spent the evening in her sweatpants and band t-shirt as she lounge in front of the TV in self pity. She jumped in surprise when her phone started to ring. She picked it up, curious to see who was calling. She had no intention of answering to anyone, she didn’t want to talk. She just wanted to have one evening of wallowing before she had to put on her mask again the next day.

She picked it up with an annoyed sigh, and felt her stomach slip as she saw Gerard’s name on the screen. She debated whether she should reply before she made the decision to answer.

‘Hello?’

‘Hey, it’s Gerard’ his voice sounded almost nervous.

‘I know, your name came up on my phone.’

He gave a short laugh.

‘Look, I’m sorry about earlier… can I see you so we can talk?’

She bit her lip as she wondered if it was a good idea. Maybe she would be better off cutting her losses now before she got herself in any deeper but she knew she would regret not seeing him one last time, especially after the way she had left this morning.

‘ Okay, you can call over I suppose’ she gave him her address and directions, hoping he would be able to follow them properly.

They hung up after a quick goodbye, as Lilly realised she would have to get changed out of her current attire. She may not care too much about her appearance and what others thought of her but she did have some pride, just enough to not want Gerard see her in full on slob mode.

She threw on a pair of jeans and some old t-shirt and brushed her hair, quickly deciding against make up. She wasn’t trying to act like she cared too much either.

Time appeared to have speeded up as it seemed like only five minutes later there was a knock on her door. She took another quick glance at her appearance as she took in a deep breath and opened the door.

He stood there, looking slightly nervous in a boyish way as she felt her heart melt at the sight.

‘Hey’ he said softly.

‘Hey’ she said as she opened the door wider and stepped aside, inviting him in.

He gave her open plan living room a quick glance over before he commented.

‘Nice place.’

‘Thanks.’

The air was filled with awkward tension as they looked at each other for a moment, the other secretly hoping the other would say something.

Lilly broke the silence.

‘Do you want something to drink?’ she plastered a smile on her face, hoping it would ease the tension somewhat.

‘Do you have any coffee?’

‘Nope, coffee is banned in this apartment. I have tea though.’

He had a look of disbelief on his face as he raised an eyebrow at her.

‘How can you not have coffee?’

‘Simple. I don’t buy it, none of my friends really drink it, and any family that drink coffee also drink tea. I can’t stand the smell and I refuse to have my place infected with it.’

He chuckled.

‘Tea will do I suppose.’

She walked into the kitchen and boiled the kettle, as she tried not to let her nerves get the better of her.

She didn’t realise Gerard had followed her in until she turned around to grab mugs for the tea and found him right behind her.

‘Look, I’m sorry about earlier.’ He started quickly, talking fast as though he just wanted to get his speech over and done with. ‘ I suppose I’m just not comfortable talking about what happened yet. I was pretty hurt and I just want to forget about it-‘

‘It’s ok’ Lilly interrupted him, not wanting to hear anymore. Hearing him talk about someone who broke his heart would only make her feel more insecure about herself. She was better off not knowing. ‘ You don’t have to explain, and to be honest I don’t want to know. I’m sorry I acted the way I did earlier; I’m an insecure person who has a hard time trusting people and I saw the pictures you had and I just… assumed that you were using me.’

He nodded in understanding, and she hoped that maybe he would appreciate her honesty.

‘ Look, I know we both have issues and we’ve both had bad experiences, but I don’t know I just… I want to see where this goes I suppose? I know we only met yesterday but for the first time in months I’m excited about something and I thinking about other things other than how shit things have been lately.’

‘So, I’m a distraction?’ she asked slowly, a smile playing on her lips.

He smiled back at her.

‘Maybe. That’s not a bad thing though, is it?’ he replied in the cocky tone she was use to hearing, as he invaded her personal space.

‘I suppose not.’

With that, he pushed his lips to hers.

### Notes


	6. Chapter Six

They spent the rest of the day curled up in Lilly’s apartment. Her roommate was on annual leave from work and was back in her home town for a couple of weeks leaving the apartment under Lilly’s care. This worked out great for Lilly, as her and Gerard spent the day watching TV, drinking tea and occasionally making out on the couch.

‘You’ve never heard of Father Ted?’ Lilly asked, feigning surprise and disgust as they took a break from a furious make out session.

‘Nope, I haven’t. Is it any good?’ Gerard replied casually, choosing to deliberately ignore her tone.

‘It’s only like, one of the best TV shows made ever. It’s freaking awesome. You know what, I’m gonna put it on now just so you see just how awesome it is.’ She spoke as she got up, walking over to the bookshelf that contained all her DVDs. She scanned the collection for a few seconds before she found it, gleefully exclaiming ‘There you are’ before she stretched up to grab it.

Clutching it tightly, she rushed over to the DVD player, turning it on and inserting the disc. She missed the amused smirk on Gerard’s face as she busied herself setting the DVD up.

‘Ok’ she said, grabbing the remote and returning to the couch. ‘Prepare to have your mind blown.’

‘Okay, but you’re the one that’s going to have to clean it up afterwards.’

‘Ha ha’ she muttered sarcastically, pressing play.

Two hours later, Gerard had a puzzled look on his face.

‘Well, what did you think?’ Lilly asked, tears in her eyes after she showed Gerard her favourite episode.

‘It was…meh.’

Lilly narrowed her eyes dangerously.

‘Meh? I show you one of the best TV shows ever and all you say is ‘meh? What is wrong with you?’ She exclaimed indignantly, shocked by his lack of appreciation for the much love TV show.

‘I mean, some of it is funny, the whole kicking the bishop up the arse thing is funny, but other than that it’s just alright.’

Lilly shook her head, as she turned on the dramatics.

‘I can’t be with someone who doesn’t appreciate Father Ted. I mean, it’s like saying you don’t like Star Wars, or The Lord of the Rings. Please tell me you like them?’

He looked at her as though she was crazy.

Which you totally are Inner Voice replied snidely, not happy at all with Gerard’s presence.

‘Of course I do. They’re classics; anyone who doesn’t like them has serious mental issues. This-‘he gestured towards the TV ‘-I just don’t get. The humour is very different from American humour.’

Lilly sighed.

‘That’ll teach me for going for an American’ she muttered, before Gerard playfully nudged her, making her lose her balance and fall over on the couch. Gerard quickly took advantage of the situation and crawled on top of her, covering her body with his.

‘Hey, there’s one thing Americans are really good at.’ He smiled as he pinned her arms above her head.

‘What’s that?’

‘Making out.’ He replied before pushing his lips to hers.

************************************************************

The comfortable silence was broken by the sound of Lilly’s stomach growling.

‘I need food.’ She stated, trying not to blush with embarrassment.

‘Me too. I vote for pizza’ Gerard replied, as he nuzzled into her neck before planting a soft kiss.

‘Okay’ Lilly replied, without moving.

‘Go get me pizza woman!’ Gerard mockingly ordered after a minute, giving her a slight shove.

‘Hey, that’s no way to speak to a lady’ Lilly shot back, feigning offence.

‘Since when are you a lady?’ Gerard asked with a raised eyebrow.

Lilly picked up the cushion closest to her before swinging it at him, hitting him square in the face. He giggled a shockingly high pitched laugh, which Lilly couldn’t help but laugh. She stood up and got her laptop which was on the coffee table just in front of them.

‘What toppings do you like?’ She asked as she loaded her browser

‘Anything really, I’m not fussy. Do you mind if I use your bathroom?’ He asked, and Lilly pointed out the direction before turning on her laptop.

She made a quick job of ordering food online, preferring to not have to talk to anyone over the phone. She quickly checked her emails, having neglected it the past few days.

When Gerard came back Lilly, Lilly was finishing up on the laptop.

‘I miss my laptop’ he sighed, as he sat down in the couch. ‘I haven’t gotten a new plug for it yet.’

‘You can use mine if you want?’ Lilly offered, handing it to him.

‘’Cool, thanks’ he said, as he gracefully took it from her.

‘I’m going to make more tea’ Lilly said as she stood up, grabbing their cups and walking into the small kitchen space.

She couldn’t help the little smile than appeared on her face as she boiled the kettle, as she enjoyed the feeling of clicking with someone in a way she hadn’t done in a long time. A very good looking someone too who was amazing in almost every way, which was an extra bonus. She took her time making the hot beverage, wanting to give Gerard space while checking… whatever he was checking. She knew she hated when people hovered over her while she was on her laptop.

She came in a few minutes later, placing the cups on the table before she looked at Gerard, who had a hard expression on his face now instead of the smile he had moments ago. He stared at the screen on the laptop as though it had wounded him, and Lilly felt a sudden pang in her chest as she fought the urge to pull him into a hug. Instead she went with a more cautious tactic.

‘Are you okay?’ She asked softly.

He looked up sharply, in obvious surprise to her presence.

‘Yeah, I’m fine’ he said dismissively. ‘Do you mind if I go outside for a smoke?’ He asked, standing up and acting very distantly.

‘No, go on ahead. Just go out the balcony’ she all but whispered, trying not to get upset. Something else had bothered him, it wasn’t personal she told herself as he walked out the patio door that lead to the small balcony.

She picked up the laptop with the intention of putting it away when she saw that Gerard had forgotten to close the browser he had used. Her eyes scanned the page quickly, knowing she shouldn’t but not being able to stop herself.She saw an email, marked from a ‘Mikey Way’, who she assumed was the brother he mentioned earlier.

Gerard,

I know you’re angry and you have every right to be, but I don’t know what more I can do or say to make it up to you other than to say I’m sorry. I never meant for it to happen, you know that. You have to believe me. Mom is going crazy with worry, just call her and let her know you’re alright. This situation has nothing to do with her and she doesn’t deserve to suffer for my mistake. Running away without telling anybody where you are is stupid Gerard, everyone is worried about you. Please Gerard, you’re my only brother , don’t let one mistake ruin our relationship.

I love you,

Mikey.

Lilly was stunned as finished the email, wondering what had happened to make Gerard run away from his family. She heard Gerard shuffle about outside as she quickly closed the browser and shut the laptop as she put it back where it belonged. Gerard walked back into the room just as the buzzer went.

‘I’ll just go get that’ she said, quickly making her way to the intercom by the door as she was thankful for the excuse to gain her composure and get rid of her guilt as she buzzed the delivery man up. She fetched her wallet out of her pocket, about to pull money out when Gerard suddenly stepped in front of her and grabbed it out of her hands.

‘It’s on me’ he said, as he quickly threw her wallet on the coffee table in the middle of room with accurate precision. He seemed to have composed himself, and he was almost back to his pre email-from-Mikey state, although Lilly could see his smile didn’t quite reach his eyes.

There was a knock on the door before Lilly could object, and Gerard quickly answered the door, paying the delivery man and taking the pizza. As they sat down on the couch in seemingly comfortable silence, Lilly couldn’t stop her mind from returning to one topic.

What was Gerard running from?

### Notes


	7. Chapter Seven

The rest of the evening passed with tension between them, as Lilly refrained from asking Gerard about what she had read and Gerard seemed to revert into himself. Whatever had happened was clearly still a sore point for him as he remained almost mute, giving one worded answers to everything Lilly said. She was angry at how the evening gone from being nice and fun to awkward and tense.

When ten o’clock hit, Gerard mumbled some excuse along the lines of ‘early start in the morning’ and stood up. He grabbed his coat and walked to the front door, Lilly following behind trying to be polite and walk him out. When he reached the front door he faced her, a conflicted look on his face.

‘I’m sorry, I know I’ve been moody the past couple of hours. I just… I’m going through some stuff right now and … well the specifics don’t matter. I’m sorry I’ve been a jerk.’

‘It’s ok’ Lilly replied, trying to sound as though she wasn’t bothered, which was a total lie. She was angry, frustrated and curious to find out what was going on.

He gave her a quick smile, before giving her a kiss on the cheek.

‘I’ll call you?’ the statement came out as a question as he gave her an apologetic look that made her want to melt. He could get anyone to do anything with that look.

No, he can get YOU to do anything.

‘Sure’ she said, making him smile before he gave her another kiss, this time on the lips. His lips were soft and she briefly wondered if he used Chap Stick to make his lips that soft. She responded eagerly, her body pressing closer into his. He placed his hands on her hips, gripping them tightly before releasing her and pulling away.

‘Goodnight Sugar’ he said, as he opened the door and walked down the corridor without a backward glance at her.

The week in school passed by quickly, and Lilly hadn’t heard from Gerard since that Sunday evening. She couldn’t help the heavy disappointment she felt, and also anger at the thought of being used. Why did he say ask if he could call if he had no intention of seeing her again? He gave her the expectation of something more happening between them only to let her down like every other guy. She wondered what his problem was, he had made an effort to get to know her and now he had gone cold. Was it something she did? She knew she was quirky and probably slightly off putting with her lack of good social skills but he had seemed to look past that. Maybe he couldn’t, and that thought hurt like a knife in her chest. If someone who had seemed so interested in her could be frightened away surely she had no chance of ever meeting anyone who would want her.

She had spent her Friday night at home, deciding that a takeout and a bottle of wine were her weapons of choice to help her get over Cute Guy. He would just turn into another memory in a long line of guys who didn’t think she was worth their time and energy.

That’s the spirit. They’re all assholes anyway. Inner Voice affirmed.

She watched some sappy romantic comedy that was on TV, not because she was interested but because she couldn’t find the energy to get the remote she left on the coffee table that was just beyond her reach. She was too busy wasting her energy on pining and wallowing in her own misery. Moving off her couch would take too much effort.

At least the male lead is hot Her Inner Voice commented. Lilly agreed with her for once, Ryan Gosling really was a handsome man. Lilly would definitely share his bed if she ever had the chance.

Slut.

‘Takes one to know one’ she replied mentally, before realising she was having a conversation with herself. That was never a good sign. She sighed and shook her head at herself and her odd behaviour. Her phone suddenly beeped and vibrated on the coffee table, making Lilly groan with annoyance as she shifted off the couch to grab it. It was a text message from Gerard.

‘I’m outside, let me in’

She stared at the phone for a moment, as disbelief and anger coursed through her. He had ignored her for the past five days, and now he suddenly sends her a text at two in the morning expecting her to let him into her home. Who the hell did he think he was?

Her phone buzzed again.

Please? I really need to see you x

She sighed, rubbing her forehead. She should at least hear him out; see if he had some legitimate excuse for being an asshole to her.

Yeah right. He’s probably drunk and horny and you’re the easy slut who’ll give it up. The Inner voice sneered.

She bit her lip, before replying.

I’ll buzz you up.

She got up and pressed the buzzer on the intercom, giving him entrance into the building. She hoped Inner Voice was wrong, that he came to apologise and maybe grovel. Grovelling was definitely something she’d like to see.

When she heard a knock on the door a few minutes later she rushed to open it, eager to see him even if he had been an asshole. She was greeted by the sight of a wasted Gerard.

‘Hey Sugar’ he slurred with that lazy smirk on his face.

‘What are you doing here Gerard?’ She asked with a sigh, feeling humiliated that her Inner Voice had been right. He was drunk and horny, and he wanted someone who could take care of his problem.

‘I wanted to see you. Is that a bad thing?’ He tried to sound suave but the slurring made her cringe inside.

‘Go home Gerard. If you wanted to see me you would have acknowledged my existence at some point over the last five days. Instead you ignored me, and now you turn up at my apartment, drunk, and expect me to let you in. For what, a quick fuck? Go fuck yourself; I’m not desperate enough to degrade myself like that. Try some other girl who has self esteem issues.’

She was about to shut the door in his face when he put his hand out to stop the door, shock clearly written on his face.

‘I’m not here for a quick screw. I’m here because I wanted to see you. I mean, if you wanna screw around I won’t say no but I didn’t come expecting it.’

‘What did you expect Gerard?’ Her voice was cold and harsh.

‘I don’t know, maybe that you’d be happy to see me?’ He sounded hurt, and even though he was drunk he was still insanely cute.

‘I would be if you’d called or texted me Gerard’ she reasoned, hating how she was now feeling like a cold hearted bitch.

‘I did, like five minutes ago.’

‘I meant at some stage during the week, not at two in the morning when you’re plastered drunk.’

He shrugged. ‘I didn’t realise there was a time set on when I should call you.’

She let out an angry breath, losing her patience very quickly.

‘No, but suddenly showing up drunk after not hearing from you for five days is a bit much, isn’t it? I’m entitled to be a bit fucking pissed off Gerard!’

‘You’re right, I’m sorry. Let me make it up to you’ he said cajolingly, his voice full of suggestion as he gave her that charming smile again, sensing that her anger was fading a little.

Lilly sighed.

‘And how will you do that?’

His smile grew bigger as he walked right up to her, and whispered in her ear. ‘I’ll so that thing you like.’

Lilly felt her muscles inside contract at the thought, hating that he could suddenly turn her on when she should be slamming the door in his face.

‘Fine, but you’re not getting anything in return.’

‘Deal’ he agreed quickly, as Lilly opened the door wider to let him inside.

‘Do I at least get an explanation as to why you haven’t been around?’ she asked.

‘I was working. There’s a deadline coming up and I’ve been pulling fourteen hour shifts trying to meet them.’

She could tell he was lying by the way he wouldn’t quite meet her eyes.

‘If you don’t want to tell the truth that’s fine but don’t lie to me.’

He met her eyes and sighed.

‘Fine. You’re right it’s not the reason but I don’t want to talk about it. I’m sorry but right now I just really want your company and to forget about it for a while.’

Lilly studied him for a moment, before relenting.

‘Okay, fine. I’ll let it go for now. Pull this shit again though and I won’t be answering the door, got that?’ Her voice was harsh and unforgiving, and Gerard seemed to realise she meant what she said.

‘Okay’ he murmured, walking up to her and pulling hips into his own. ‘Now, about our deal’ he said seductively, before taking her lips with a sweet kiss.


	8. Chapter Eight

  
Lilly counted the days down until Friday when she would be finally free for a whole two months, one of the major benefits of being a teacher. After spending five days a week trying to teach a group of hyper four year olds she felt like the break was deserved. She gave them as much recess as she could get away with; it wasn’t as though she would be teaching anything new in the last week. She brought in board games, DVDs, music, basically anything that would pass the time.

She tried her best not to think too much about Gerard but she seemed to have a one track mind that wouldn’t let her wander too far away from him. She knew she was beginning to care a lot about him even though part of her knew he would bring nothing but heartbreak. He was obviously running from something and when he got his head around whatever was happening he would be straight back to America. A part of her just wanted to end whatever they had now before she got even more hurt.

‘Miss Madden?’

She was brutally taken away from her internal debate as one of the girls in her class claimed her attention.

‘Yes Robin?’

‘What’s twitter pated?’

Lilly looked at the child in confusion, wondering what she meant.

‘Where did you get that word from?’

‘I was watching Bambi with my Mammy and my brother and they all get twitter pated and I asked my brother and he told me they were just being stupid.’ The child rushed her words without taking a breath, rambling the way four year old children do.

Lilly laughed as she remembered the scene from Bambi, one of her favourite movies of all time.

‘It’s what happens when people fall in love.’

‘Oh’ the child looked thoughtful for a second. ‘Miss, are you twitter pated?’

Lilly opened her mouth to tell the child she shouldn’t ask such a question when she closed it again quickly as she realised her answer.

‘I think so.’

***************************************************************************

He was drunk again the next time she saw him on Friday. He had called her from the pub, having made his way there after work with a few colleagues. She had declined his offer of joining them at first, not wanting to be put in a situation she would find awkward and uncomfortable.

Then he started getting pissed off with her so she agreed, angry that she had given in. She dressed quickly and did her make-up, feeling self conscious and anxious. She hated meeting new people, she was always too afraid of what they thought of her.

 _You could just say no you know_ Inner Voice chimed in with her motherly voice.

She sighed, knowing it was true and that she was an emotional weakling with no backbone. She made it down to the bar about an hour after he had called. She wasn’t too impressed when she saw how drunk he was already, her heart sinking fast as she began to worry that he may have a problem. She had an Uncle with a drinking problem and it had cost him his family. His wife had left and took the children leaving him heartbroken, miserable and clinically depressed. He drank himself to death a few years later.

‘Hey’ he greeted loudly when he saw her, his accent coming out thick as he pulled her into an uncomfortably tight hug and gave her a sloppy kiss on the cheek.

‘Hey’ she replied, knowing her voice gave her discomfort away. Even in his drunken state he could tell how he she felt straight away as he untangled himself from her arms and looked at her with his piercing gaze. He then gave her a smile that was meant to be reassuring, and it worked slightly as she felt herself relax a little bit.

‘I just wanted you to meet everyone’ he explained, as Lilly took his appearance in. He was wearing a shirt and tie, his white shirt sleeves rolled up to expose his lower arms. His tie was loosened and the top buttons of his shirt were undone, showing the small bit of chest hair he had. His hair had been carelessly pushed out of his face, and she couldn’t deny that even though he was wasted he still looked good.

She just nodded and smiled as he led her up to the bar and ordered her a drink and a shot. She drank the shot without a second thought the moment it was put in front of her, hoping it would take the edge off her anxiety. Gerard then grabbed her drink for her and took her hand with his free hand, guiding her towards a table at the back of the pub. He had told her it was just for one drink so she could meet his friends at work. They were all in a similar state to Gerard when she was introduced to them but she couldn’t help but find them all charming and likeable as she was introduced to the group of five men.

The ‘one drink’ he was coaxed her with turned into at least five and they didn’t leave the bar until it was decided they would all head down to the nightclub a few streets over. By this stage Lilly was plastered drunk and went along with it, clinging to Gerard the entire time. It made her feel slightly better that he had slowed his drinking down when he realised Lilly was beyond drunk, she saw it as a sign that she was overreacting about his drinking.

‘You sure you want to go?’ he murmured into her ear as the trailed behind the group, his voice full of suggestion as she shivered from a mixture of the cold breeze and want.

‘You have another suggestion?’

‘We could go back to my place. The roomy is gone so we’d have the place to ourselves.’

‘What would we do with an empty apartment?’ she enquired, playing coy.

‘Wouldn’t you like to know’ he whispered as he nipped her ear lobe.

She giggled, his breath hot tickling her ear.

‘Think we can sneak away?’ she whispered back.

He thought for a moment, before he smiled and yelled ‘Run!’ on top of his voice, making Lilly stumble for a moment at the unexpected move as he dragged her with him. They ran away from everyone, not looking back to check if the group even noticed they had gone.

**********************************************************************

She woke up hours later with a sore head and a faint ringing sound in her ears. It took a moment for her to register that the ringing was coming from a phone. She heard a groan come from the body beside her and a choice of cuss words as the body shifted, making the mattress move unexpectedly. She whined at the disturbance in her semi conscious state, not fully aware of her surroundings yet.

When the room grew quiet again she finally remembered she was with Gerard at his apartment. She opened her eyes with a squint and they protested at the sliver of light that had entered the room from Gerard’s exit into the living room to take his phone call. She strained to hear if she could catch the conversation he was having, wondering what was so important that they had to call in the middle of the night. It took a moment of concentration before she could make anything out.

‘-don’t give a shit. Stop calling me…No, I don’t want to hear _anything_ you’ve got to say, blood or not you fucked me over and I don’t owe you anything…well, you should have thought of that before you fucked my girlfriend.’

That was the last she heard before she drifted back into the world of unconsciousness.  


### Notes


	9. Chapter Nine

  
When Lilly woke up the next morning she was happy to realise she wasn’t hung-over. The bed she was lying in was warm and comfortable, due in part to the arms that were wrapped around her. She twisted in his hold to face him, his face partially covered by his hair. She smiled as she stared at him, enjoying the sensation of butterflies in her stomach, drinking the sight him in. He was utterly adorable, with his pixie nose, thin mouth and pale complexion that was free from blemishes. His breathing was steady and he continued to sleep, oblivious to Lilly’s creepy staring. She snuggled up to his chest, causing Gerard to tighten his hold on her.

She thought about the night they had, and how she begrudgingly had a good time in the end despite her reluctance to go out in the first place. Some parts of the night were fuzzy and distorted, particularly anything after they left the bar. She knew they had come back and christened almost every surface in the apartment, alcohol clearly fuelling the two of them and giving them extra stamina that had taken the both of them by surprise. She wasn’t use to the kind of passion she had with Gerard, but she was going to take full advantage of it while it lasted. She knew passion like the one they had would be short lived and fickle, and rare to come by. Last night had made her decide to stop holding back and fearing the future. What was going to happen would happen, so she may as well enjoy the ride. She remembered vaguely waking up and hearing Gerard talking on the phone but she couldn’t distinguish if it was a dream or a reality.

‘G’ Morning sunshine.’

His voice was dry but happy as he greeted her.

‘Morning’ she responded, before pressing her lips to his chin.

‘No hangover?’ He questioned, opening his eyes a fraction to look at her.

‘Nope.’

‘Bitch’ he muttered. She giggled as he groaned in pain, rubbing his temples in a bid to ease his headache a little.

‘Will I make you some coffee?’

‘Please!’

She got up and quickly dressed before pecking him on the lips and walking into his kitchen to make his coffee. She grew up with a coffee addicted mother so she had no problem working the coffee maker, giving it an evil stare as it brewed the vile liquid. The smell became too strong at one point, her nose forcing her to create some space between herself and the demonic machine. She sat on the couch in the living room, stretching out her limbs in order to wake up a little bit more. Her eyes caught sight of Gerard’s phone, her eyes doing a double take. Memories of Gerard talking on the phone came back, her stomach churning when she realised it wasn’t a dream.  
 __  
He’s got too many issues. You should just leave now. Inner Voice gave her motherly advice.  
She sighed, trying to piece the clues together. Between Mikey’s email and the overheard conversation she gathered there had been a falling out between the siblings. Had Mikey slept with Gerard’s girlfriend? Lilly bit her lip, sympathy getting the best of her. She could only imagine how she would feel if her own sister slept with Gerard. Devastated would be the closest word to describe how she felt at the thought of it, let alone how she would feel if it actually happened. She understood Gerard’s anger, his hurt and his desperate flee from his home. It was extreme to be sure but Gerard was not a person who did anything by half. When he hurt he seemed to hurt deeply.

She heard the coffee machine finish its job, the sound barely registering. She wanted to find out the truth, get to the bottom of the mystery but she knew too well how Gerard would react to her prying judging by his past reactions. He didn’t want to talk about what happened, whether this was out of shame or because he was in denial she couldn’t guess. Most likely it was a bit of both. She added milk to his coffee automatically before, taking few seconds to get her head out of the clouds before returning to the bedroom.  
Gerard was still lying down, his closed eyes and lack of movement suggesting he had fallen back asleep. Lilly walked over to the bedside locker next to his side of the bed, gently placing the steaming cup of coffee on top.

‘You’re an angel, you know that?’

His scratchy voice made her jump. She glared at him, his golden hazel eyes beaming at her with glee.

‘You did that on purpose!’

‘Maybe. Your evil look is a big turn on.’

She blushed, slapping his exposed arm.

‘Domestic violence solves nothing!’ he giggled, before catching a hold of her wrist and pulling her onto the bed.

She squealed, landing on top of Gerard. She struggled out of his hold unsuccessfully, his strength clearly outmatching her before he forced her on her back. He crawled on top of her with surprising speed for someone who claimed to be hungover.

She huffed, feigning annoyance. He just grinned back at her, unperturbed by her expression.

‘Remember what Lennon said, make love not war.’

‘I was always more of a McCartney fan’ she muttered before closing the space between their faces.

********************************************************************

‘You’re such a perfectionist, aren’t you?’

Her voice broke the comfortable silence in the apartment. Gerard’s roommate was nowhere to be found so they spent the day in his place. He was sitting on the couch beside her, cigarette hanging from his mouth as he cursed yet again at the sketchbook in front of his, his pencil loose in his hand.

‘No, not at all. Chasing perfection is kinda like….like chasing the sun. Go after it all you want but you’ll never actually reach it. I just aim to do the best I can with what I’ve been given.’

She nodded at his words.

‘How philosophical of you’ she mocked.

‘Whatever’ he muttered, before slamming his sketchbook on the coffee table.

‘Fuck it, I’m not getting anywhere with this today. Wanna go out or something?’

‘Sure.’

He grabbed her hand, helping her off the couch and leading her out of the apartment. The walked leisurely for ten minutes, Gerard smoking another cigarette on the way.

‘’Who were you talking to last night?’

The words came out of her mouth, unplanned and unwanted. She mentally kicked herself, afraid to look at Gerard when his eyes were on her.

‘My brother’ he muttered angerly.

She met his eyes in surprise. Maybe he was finally willing to talk about it.

‘You never talk about him. What’s he like?’

She was being cautious, afraid of pushing him too far.

‘He was my best friend. We were very close growing up, we couldn’t really go outside to play so we only really had each other. We was the best little brother anyone could have.’

‘You talk about him in the past tense.’

‘That’s because he’s dead to me.’

Her eyes widened at the venom in his voice, his hand shaking in anger. His hand tightened around her hand almost painfully.

‘That’s a very harsh thing to say, he’s you’re only brother.’

‘Don’t talk about something you know nothing about!’

His anger turned on her, she shrank back.

‘Sorry.’

He stopped, sighing as he ran a hand through his hair.

‘I;m sorry, I’m just…I’m still angry’ He fell silent before suddenly speaking again. ‘I had a girlfriend, Jessica. We dated for four years, pretty much all of college. I loved her very much, she was my whole fucking world. About six months ago she came to New Jersey to visit me, something she did a lot. I went out with my friends while she stayed in, said she didn’t feel well. I came home to find her fucking my brother on my bed. I haven’t spoken to either of them since.’

Lilly could see how hurt he still was, his hands still shaking when he spoke.

‘That sucks’ she finally said, not wanting to say the cliché ‘I’m sorry’ which he wouldn’t appreciate.

‘Yeah, it does’ he smiled briefly. ‘That’s why I came here. I needed to get away’

‘I guess I understand. If my sister did that to me I’d be pretty angry too.’

He pulled his hand away from hers, cupping her face.

‘Thank you’ he spoke softly.

‘For what?’

‘For listening, For being here.’

‘You’re welcome.’  



	10. Chapter Ten

  
The main problem with summer was the amount of time Lilly had on her hands, which was a lot when her friends were still working forty hours a week. Gerard was included in this, meaning she was lucky to see him at weekends and maybe one night during the week. She made regular trips to see her parents and younger brother but even that started to become tedious and frustrating. Her brother was in the awkward teenage phase where he didn’t want to talk to her unless she had money for him, and her mother grated on her nerves after an hour in her presence.

‘I fucking hate the summer. I mean, really _really_ hate it.’ She whined while lying on the couch with her head resting on Gerard’s lap. It was a Thursday evening and Gerard had managed to get away from work an hour early and had graced her with his presence. His hand was idly stroking her hair as he gazed at her, his eyes lit up in amusement as he tried to hide a smirk.

‘Yeah, all that time off must be a killer.’ His voice was heavy with sarcasm, something Lilly didn’t appreciate at that moment.

She sighed angrily.

‘You don’t get it. It might seem great to have summers off but when everyone else is busy it means I’m stuck on my own with nothing to distract me. There’s only so many hours of TV I can take before I start losing my mind.’

‘You need to get out.’

‘And do what?’

He shrugged his shoulders.

‘Thanks for that’ she muttered resentfully.

He let out a little chuckle.

‘You’re cute when you’re angry.’

‘Yeah, well I’m about to get real damn adorable in the minute if you don’t say something that’s actually helpful and or comforting.’

He fell silent, a thoughtful look replacing his amusement. The silence lingered briefly until he stood up quickly, as though hit by a bolt of lightning and forcing Lilly to sit up to avoid getting hurt.

‘I’ve got to go, I’ll call you later okay?’

He shot out of her apartment before she could even comprehend what was happening.

‘Fucking men’ she muttered, pissed off.  
 __  
See, this is why you should listen to me more often Inner Voice chided.

Lilly found out the reason for Gerard’s sudden disappearance the next morning when she heard her intercom buzz. She was still in her pyjamas, watching crappy daytime television when the noise interrupted Jerry’s thought for the day. Curiosity won the battle against her laziness, forcing her to get up with a loud sigh and trudge her way to the intercom.

‘Hello?’ she asked in a bored voice.

‘It’s me’ came Gerard’s voice ‘I’ve got a surprise, let me up!’

She buzzed him up the moment he had mentioned a surprise, making her squeal with girlish excitement. She then suddenly panicked when she realised she was still in her pyjamas and her hair had yet to be brushed.

‘Shit’ she squeaked, rushing to get her hair brush to tame the wild bush of knots that was her hair. She barely had time to brush her teeth when he started knocking at her door. She dropped her toothbrush back in its cup before sprinting to the front door, smiling when she saw Gerard wearing his sunglasses, tight jeans and wide smile.

‘So, what’s the surprise?’ was her greeting.

She didn’t need to see his eyes to tell he had just rolled them.

‘Nice to see you too sugar.’

‘Whatever. What did you get me?’

‘I said I have a surprise, not a present. Are you going to let me in?’

‘Tell me what it is!’ She demanded.

‘Go get dressed and then I’ll tell you.’

‘Ugh, fine!’

She walked back into the apartment, earning a slap on the ass from Gerard that made her squeak in indignation.

‘Hurry up. Pack an overnight bag while you’re at it. Bring enough stuff to last you the weekend.’

Her ears perked up at this, making her turn around sharply to stare at him with wide eyes.

‘Are we going away? Please tell me we’re going away somewhere?’

‘Go get dressed and you’ll find out. Hurry up!’ he repeated, his smile giving away his delight at seeing her so excited.

She dressed with lightening speed, not even bothering with make up in order to save on time. She pack a few clothes into her duffle bag without really looking at them, her excitement was preventing her from being able to focus on something as trivial as clothes. Surely if she was with Gerard she would barely be wearing them anyway. She sniggered at her own dirty mind and zipped her bag shut. She was barely in her room for five minutes when she ran back out, literally jumping in anticipation.

‘Calm down!’ he laughed, resting his hands on her shoulders in an effort to control her.

‘So, where are we going?’

‘Nowhere if you don’t stop asking.’

‘You said you’d tell me!’

‘I lied. Do you have your keys, phone and charger?’

‘Yes, yes and yes.’

‘Good’ he grabbed her hand ‘let’s go then.’

He picked up her bag and slung it his shoulder, before snatching his own bag which Lilly had failed to notice before. She let him lead the way out of the building, her hand gripping his painfully tight.

Four hours later they were in a hotel in Galway city, tired and hungry from the journey but still upbeat and ready to tour their new territory.

‘We should go exploring!’

Gerard raised an eyebrow at her from under his sunglasses.

‘Do you ever run out of energy?’

‘Not really, and especially not when you feed me skittles to keep me quiet.’

‘Note to self, never let you near skittles again.’

She giggled before hugging him, delighted at the effort he obviously went organising the trip. He had booked Friday and Monday off work, and heaven knows how much he had spent getting them a hotel. She made a mental note to find out how much it cost later so she could pay him back.

‘Thank you’ she whispered as snuggled into his chest.

‘No need to thank me yet. We’ve got a while weekend ahead of us. First things first, we need to eat.’

‘Lead the way my dear sir.’

The rest of their afternoon and evening passed quickly, they were caught up in the rapture of being tourists in a new city. Galway was a city like no other, so steeped in art and culture that it was hard not to fall in love with it after a couple of hours in it. When they returned to their room that evening it was only to change for the night ahead. She picked out a silk thigh length dress in black and pink paired with a pair of simple black heels, while he went for his classic jeans and shirt combination that only ever made him look devilishly handsome. He left his hair carelessly tousled, a look that she had come to love They had agreed to check out the night life of the city, both of them were dying to have a night out in a new place. The night had started out quietly; neither of them drinking too heavily at first. But somewhere between the third and the fourth pub Gerard had started drinking heavier than Lilly had ever seen. His speech was slurred so much she could barely understand him coherently. Lilly couldn’t help but squirm uncomfortably as he stumbled from their table to go back to the bar to buy his fourth drink in that pub alone. She had lost count of his total amount at ten. She knew that pointing it out to him while he was drunk wouldn’t achieve anything other than an argument, and in their current situation she could hardly storm off and avoid him until he came to his senses. So she did the only thing she could think of and drink faster in order to forget just how much she hated his behaviour.

They crawled in a nightclub at some stage, although the next day she wouldn’t recall how they managed to get past the bouncers. The club was barely fit for purpose, with its filthy carpet, chipping paint and the foul smell that was only tolerable to the drunk. If she had been sober she would have walked out. She would have seen the club for the drug den it really was. The people dancing on the wooden dance floor were clearly off their faces on something other than alcohol. In her drunken state however she missed this. She only saw Gerard, she could only smell his familiar scent and the feel of his hand clutching her sweaty palm tightly. They were there for half an hour when Gerard was approached by a young man similar in age to them. His shirt was clean and crisp and he clearly one of the few sober people in the place. It should have been an alarm bell for Lilly as she watched the unknown man tap Gerard’s shoulder and whisper in his ear. Gerard’s eyes seemed to light up at whatever he had to say, his gaze flickering over to Lilly for a split second before he indicated to Lilly he would be back. She didn’t have time to respond before he walked off with the man, his strides were quick and determined as he walked away from the bar where they were ordering their drinks.

Even in her intoxicated state she could see how dilated Gerard’s pupils were when he returned about five minutes later. His was walking straighter; his steps were more steady and sure than before. She knew he had taken something. She was stunned and revolted at the same time. He had left her alone at a bar in some strange nightclub to get high. She could barely look at him as he smiled at her, he was completely oblivious to her sudden change in mood. He leaned against the bar, and whispered in her ear.

‘You ever tried ecstasy?’

Her eyes widened at his words, surprised and offended.

‘No, I haven’t.’

‘Wanna try?’

Her entire body stilled, her mind trying to process the conversation she was having. Her boyfriend, her high as a kite boyfriend, was offering her drugs. She had never tried drugs of any kind before, nor had she ever been in a situation where she had the opportunity to try them. She had never realised she was curious until that very moment when the choice was put in front of her. She was a goody two shoes who had never gotten into trouble her whole life. She occasionally got drunk but as an Irish girl that was a given. She felt like she couldn’t breathe as her eyes focused on his closed fist, which held the proffered pill. If she had ever imagine the situation before she would have seen herself rejecting the offer without a second thought before walking away from Gerard. In reality, she was hesitating.

People took drugs every day without coming to any harm or suffering any consequences. She knew for a fact her own sister had tried a few substances in her time. Would she really be such a bad person for giving into her natural curiosity? She looked at Gerard’s face, trying to gage his reaction. He was watching her intently, trying to figure out her thought process. The fact that he was now high on ecstasy didn’t change the person he was. He was still the slightly mysterious comic book geek who tried his best to make her smile whenever she was down. Maybe it would be okay to do it once, just to get rid of any lingering curiosity.

‘Okay.’

He gave her a wide grin before turning to the barman and ordering two shots for them. While the barmen went to fetch his bottle, Gerard popped the pill into his mouth before pulling her into a kiss, sliding his tongue into her mouth and slipping the pill onto her tongue. He watched her swallow the pill and held out the shot for her to take.

‘To new experiences’ he giggled before they clinked their glasses and downed the liquid poison.  



	11. Chapter Eleven

  
Lilly woke up with what she could only describe as a fuzzy head. She wasn’t in any pain, but it didn’t feel right. She kept her eyes shut, knowing she would get vertigo if she opened them before they were ready. She could feel the warmth of Gerard’s body beside her, finding it comforting as she laid still. She knew it was a side effect from what she took last night. She couldn’t decide if she was angry and ashamed at herself for taking drugs, or oddly proud that she had taken a risk and stepped outside her goody two shoe comfort zone that had help her sail through her teenage years and early twenties with no difficulties. Sure she had drank and tried weed like everybody else but that was a norm most people did while in college so it hardly counted as being outrageous or risky. In fact to not have done either would have been stepping outside the social convention in college. After what seemed like an eternity her head seemed to have finally decided that it wasn’t going to punish her anymore, allowing her to put some coherent thoughts together. She lazily opened her eyes, happy to see the world was no longer spinning. She sat up carefully, afraid of waking Gerard up. She looked at him, unabashedly staring at him while he slept. It was a sight that she would never grow tired of seeing, with his hair falling all over his face, his mouth slightly parted and his cheek pressed firmly into the pillow. A smile crept its way onto her face, her heart starting to beat erratically. She could forget about his heavy drinking, his possible liking for drugs and his mysterious past during moments like this. He looked so innocent, and care free. During moments like this he was simply beautiful and it made her happy to know that someone so handsome would want to spend his time with her, even if he carried a load a excess baggage she hadn’t been prepared to take on.

‘Do that for too much longer and it officially becomes creepy’ he croaked suddenly, making her jolt with surprise.

‘Coming from the king of creepiness?’ she teased.

He laughed, suddenly reaching for her and grabbing her frail wrist. He gently pulled her down and forced her to spoon into him.

‘How are you feeling?’ he almost sounded concerned.

‘Fine. Head’s a little bit fuzzy but otherwise I’m good.’

He nodded, letting out a deep sigh and holding her tighter.

‘I’m sorry’ he muttered almost inaudibly ‘I shouldn’t have gotten those pills. I haven’t done anything like that in a long time, and I shouldn’t have encouraged you to take them.’

‘You didn’t force it down my neck Gerard…it wasn’t that bad anyway. It was kinda fun.’

The corner of his lip twitched, as he repressed a smile. She gathered the courage to ask the question that would plague her if she didn’t ask.

‘Do…I mean…did you use to do them often?’

He stiffened behind her in surprise, unsure if he wanted to answer her. She imagined that in his mind he assumed she would judge him, which was far from the truth. While she had never (until last night) tried drugs, but that came from a personal fear of not being in control rather than a believing recreational use was ‘bad’. In her mind, any adult of sound mind who was aware of what they were doing and the possible consequences were entitled to have a good time as long as they didn’t hurt themselves or anybody else. If she were honest it was his drinking that concerned her more than anything. Occasional recreational drug use was something she could live with, chronic drinking wasn’t. The way he had downed his beer last night was troubling her. He had done it with ease, as though it was a regular occurrence for him. Did he always have a like for drinking, or had the actions of his brother started a dependency on the substance? She wanted to ask but she knew from past experience it wouldn’t end well. Whenever she brought up his past it seemed to cause a knee jerk defensive reaction from him. It irritated her that he was so closed up and touchy about his past. He was holding back from her, and it only increased her insecurity about their relationship and if it could go anywhere. If she could get over her insecurities enough to give it a try then surely he could at least try to be more open with her.

‘I use to dabble quite a bit…but I stopped when I started becoming too fond of them. That was about two years ago.’ His words were slow and delicately put, due in part to his uncertainty about how she would react. She nodded and snuggled into him, enjoying the sensation of his relieved sigh on her neck.

‘What did you use to take?’

‘Can we drop it now?’ he snapped defensively.

‘I’m not judging you, I’m just curious is all’ she cajoled, masking her hurt over his continued defensiveness.

He sighed in anger, rubbing his forehead harshly with agitation.

‘I’ve pretty tried everything at least once bar heroin and crack. Art College is a good place to meet people who like to experiment so it was easy to get whatever you wanted. It was easy to make yourself believe that the art you made was better when you were high. Sometimes it was to be honest. Being high can open your mind; make you see outside the box sometimes. It’s not always a bad thing, but too much will bring you down.’

‘I’m not surprised, art students have nothing better to do I suppose’ she tried to lighten the mood.

‘At least we had fun’ he countered with a sardonic smile.

‘I had fun in college. Just not with drugs. Alcohol was the standard from Thursday to Saturday nights. Unless we had teaching practice, then it was just Friday and Saturday. I went in once with a hangover and it was a lesson hard learned. Nobody can handle a class of bratty six year olds with a pounding head.’

‘You mean little miss goody two shoe actually went in to teach a bunch of children while suffering the after effects of alcohol consumption? I never would have believed it Miss Madden! I’m shocked. You’re a disgrace!’

‘It’s not like I was alone with them! Anyway, I was but a student then. If I did that now I’d really be in trouble.’ She defended herself.

He laughed at her scrunched up face, her imagination contemplating the horror of going in to a group of four year olds with a sore head. She shuddered at the thought, it was probably her worst nightmare.

‘How about we do some more sightseeing today after breakfast?’

‘Sure’ she agreed, her stomach growling at the mention of food.

‘I get first dibs on the shower’ he threw the bed cover off his naked body and stood up.

‘Or we could shower together, save on water?’ Lilly suggested with a seductive smile.  
‘I like the way you think woman’ he smirked.

He grabbed her leg with lightening fast speed, dragging her to the edge of the bed. He pulled her up onto her feet and promptly picked her up, throwing her over his shoulder.

‘Hey’ she squealed before giggling.

He responded with a sharp slap to her butt, bringing her into the bathroom and closing the door behind them.

### Notes


	12. Coffee and TV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys,
> 
> I'm new to this site, but I've been writing for a while on Mibba. I really hope you guys like my stuff. Feedback is awesome, so if you enjoyed the story, find any mistakes or have constructive criticism please let me know. If you like this story I have a few others up on his site if you want to take a peek.
> 
> Lyra

They had come to a kind of silent agreement to not bring up the events of the previous night. There wasn’t any awkward silence or tension over it but, it was buried underneath the desire to have fun like a normal couple would. Lilly wanted one day with no fighting, no drama or mystery, and no drinking. She wanted to enjoy something with Gerard that wouldn’t degenerate into something that would spin out of their control, like things always seemed to do when they spent time together. She just wanted fun with her boyfriend. Simple, easy, uncomplicated fun with the one person in the world she wanted to spend all her time with. As clingy and pathetic as it was, and even with all the unspoken issues that tried to put a wedge between them, he was the most important person in her life right then. His drinking habits, former drug dependency and New Jersey drawl, they were all part of the package and baggage that came with him, and as long as he gave her his time and affection he would remain an important part of her life. She wanted the awkward conversation from earlier in the morning to be forgotten about and put in the past so that they could move forward. She wasn’t exactly happy with what he had told her, but it was over and done with. There was no point in dwelling on it, it wasn’t going to solve anything or make her feel any better about the situation. Things would always be complicated if she focused on all the issues. Part of her wondered if maybe Gerard was right to be evasive about his past; the more she found out, the more questions it raised, and with that came the realisation that she didn’t know Gerard at all. There were little bits of information thrown at her occasionally but nothing that gave her any true insight into the kind of person he had been; nothing about his life back in America. She knew his reason for running away, but she wondered if there was more to the story than what he’d told her. She didn’t want to think about that today though. They were in a beautiful city, full of art and culture that she knew Gerard would appreciate if she could keep him away from the pub long enough to do some proper sight-seeing.  
  
She was pleasantly surprised when Gerard seemed to be on the same wavelength as her. He grabbed her hand as they left the hotel, gripping it tightly as though to reassure her that he was _there_ , and with her. He was still wary after their conversation earlier; he seemed to be afraid that her opinion of him would change after revealing an unpleasant part of his past. His smile was a little too bright, desperately seeking to repair the damage he believed he had caused. Maybe she should have kissed him and told him that she had meant it when she said she wouldn’t judge him.. She didn’t say it though; she wanted to see him prove…well, she wasn’t sure what she wanted him to prove. Perhaps that he cared about her, and her opinion of him. That he wanted to spend time with her while sober and unrushed that wasn’t a prelude to sex. They had gone for breakfast before taking a trip to Eyre Square in the heart of the city. They had cuddled and relaxed while blending in with all the other people who were there before Gerard then dragged them off to Galway Bay, before they took a trip to the Arann Island. If Gerard’s plan had been to distract her, he’d succeeded. Before the day was out Lilly had walked so much her feet were aching but, that didn’t stop the smile that remained plastered on her face. It wasn’t just the sightseeing that she enjoyed; seeing Gerard take pleasure in their adventure was what made her giddy with glee, his excited grin never faltering as he took everything in. When they eventually made their way back to the hotel room that evening, high from all the adrenaline, Lilly couldn’t remember ever feeling as happy as she did that day.  
  
‘Don’t pout. It doesn’t suit you’ Gerard scolded her in an amused voice the next day on their journey back home, trying his best not to laugh.  
  
‘I don’t want to go back. Why can’t we stay in Galway forever?’ Lilly whined, leaning back on her bus seat.  
  
The bus had just taken off, and with every mile Lilly’s mood plummeted. Their last day in Galway had been so perfect, and now she was being forced back to reality Gerard had whisked her away from for a painfully short period of time. Gerard was still upbeat, in contrast to Lilly’s mood. He could never take her bad moods seriously, a trait Lilly found infuriating. He would just giggle and smile, unintentionally goading her ill temper.  
  
‘ _Of course he finds it amusing. It’s not as though the guy actually cares about your feelings. He told you himself you’re nothing but a distraction.’_  
  
Inner Voice had taken a break while they were in Galway, but now that they were departing from the city she seemed to be returning with a vengeance.  
  
‘Don’t be so down. I took you here to cheer you up. You had a nice time didn’t you?’ Gerard’s voice was light, but she could hear the undercurrent of doubt in it.  
 _  
‘Of course you did, if you count plying you with drugs a good time’_  
  
‘Of course I did’ Lilly spoke a little louder than she intended, trying to drown out Inner Voice.  
  
‘We’ll come back another time. Maybe spend a bit longer if we can.’  
  
‘Promise?’  
  
The whiney plea had been unintentional, but once the words were out there was nothing she could do to take them back. Gerard let out a breathy little laugh, cupping her cheek and guiding their foreheads together.  
  
‘I promise’ he swore, before planting a chaste kiss on her lips.  
  
*********************************  
  
There wasn’t any question about where Gerard was staying that night. He had automatically assumed he was staying at her place, not that Lilly minded that he was staying over without asking. She would never complain about him spending the night in her bed. Those nights were the best; they would make love before he wrapped his arms around her and fall asleep with her head on his chest. Her flatmate Vivian had subtly skulked off to her room, feigning tiredness to give the couple some space. They took advantage of the extra time alone by curling up on the couch, watching the television with vague interest while they gorged on the pizza Gerard ordered.  
  
‘I’m going to go for a cigarette’ Gerard stood up, grabbing his box of cigarettes before going out to the balcony and closing the door behind him.  
  
Lilly had shut her eyes, her head resting on the plush and comfortable cushion when the sound of Gerard’s phone forced her eyes open in shock and surprise. Her heart was pounding from the mild shock. She aimed a glare at the phone, unimpressed that the small piece of technology would make her jump out of skin with a simple beep. She sighed, sitting up and grabbing the phone, intent on bringing it out to Gerard in case it was important. She knew he would be gone for about fifteen minutes, if not longer. He enjoyed his cigarettes, taking his time to inhale the poisons and chemicals that would damage in lungs in the years to come. His took his mug of coffee with him, another indication that he was in no hurry to return. (He had sneaked the coffee into her apartment, much to her annoyance.) Her eyes flickered to the screen, and it was with a gut wrenching pain that she saw the notification that was illuminating the screen, as though mocking her.  
  
‘ _Facebook message from Jessica Gorden_ ’  
  
The picture of a girl Lilly had seen ion many of Gerard’s photographs accompanied the notification, confirming that it was indeed Gerard’s ex who had disturbed Lilly. Confusion, anger and jealousy all combined together, twisting in Lilly’s stomach; creating a sensation similar to nausea. Her insecurities and paranoia, which had been pushed to the back of her mind, were now back in full force and stronger than before.  
  
Of course he’s been keeping in contact with her. He told you himself that he was in love with her. He’s probably been messaging her this whole time. Silly girl.’ Inner Voice’s tone was harsh, cruel and almost spiteful.  
  
A lump was forming in her throat as the thought raced through her mind, as were the familiar prickling of hot tears that begged to be freed to fall down her cheeks. It stung to think that Gerard had been keeping in contact with such a vile person, but love was blind as she was all too aware of. She rose from the couch, racing to the bathroom and locking the door behind her. She let the tears fall as the feelings of anger and betrayal consumed her.


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the spirit of St. Valentines, I offer this.
> 
> I hope you all have a wonderful day.
> 
> Lyra

Time was a concept that disappeared from Lilly’s mind. The crushing weight of Gerard’s betrayal left her feeling a little cold, and certainly not numb enough to completely stop the pain. She wondered how long he had been in contact with Jessica for, if he would leave to go back to America now that they were on speaking terms again. He had been honest with her at her insistence about how important Jessica had been to him. Underneath the pain and anger he probably still loved her. She had been everything to him and Lilly wasn’t stupid enough to believe that those feelings would disappear just because she was now in the picture. In his own words she was nothing but a distraction. She could try to convince herself otherwise, but Lilly knew deep down that it wasn’t going to last. Her feelings ran deeper than his; that wasn’t his fault. He had never made any promises to her, never told her that he loved her or wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. He had big dreams and Lilly was aware that she wasn’t a part of those, as much as she wished she was. She was torturing herself by continuing to go along with the fantasy in her head. Whenever she felt the least bit secure in her place in his life something like this would happen to remind her that she was nothing to him, not in the grand scheme of things. She wanted to let go of her insecurity and neurosis but that could only last for so long. She earlier resolve to just stay and enjoy the ride while it lasted kept on yo-yoing. Perhaps this was a sign that it just wasn’t meant to be.  

_‘Exactly hun. Just cut your losses now and run. Get a couple of tubs of Ben and Jerry’s and you’ll be fine in no time.’_ Inner Voice interjected, making her thoughts known.

“Lilly, are you okay?” Gerard’s voice slithered in from the other side of the door.

“I’m fine” Lilly responded far too quickly, which would have given her away if her teary voice didn’t twig Gerard’s attention.

There was an uneasy pause before Gerard responded.

“Are you sure? You’ve been in here for over half an hour.”

Lilly pulled her hair, suppressing her urge to scream. She wanted him to go. Every part of her being just wanted him out of her apartment and out of her life before he caused her even more pain. How could he stand on the other side of the door and sound so concerned about how she was and if she was okay when in fact he probably didn’t care.

“Is this about the message Jessica sent me?”

Lilly let out an audible gasp, not expecting Gerard to put the obvious two and two together. She bit her lip not wanting to give him the satisfaction he’d no doubt feel at the confirmation. His ego would love the idea of her pining over him, or crying and begging for him to stay with her and ignore the love of his life. Perhaps he’d try the more suave route and try to convince it that nothing was happening so that he could keep her around until he decided to leave. He probably believed she was pathetic enough to fall for the excuse which wasn’t his fault when she realised how she had let him get away with everything else. The frequent absenteeism for days at a time was ignored now and he came and went in her life as he pleased. She had encouraged the behaviour by letting it go and now she was paying for it.

_‘I tried to tell you, but you wouldn’t listen. Now look where it got you!’_ Inner Voice interrupted unhelpfully.

“Lilly I haven’t been in contact with Jessica. This is the first time she’s messaged me since I left the states…Lilly don’t be like this. Will you come out so we can talk about this?”

“Fine. Just give me a minute.”

Lilly took a look in the mirror, immediately horrified at the red eyes, blotchy skinned reflection. She grimaced in displeasure and sought to rectify some of the damage with cold water. The red changed to a pink tinge which faded when she applied some concealer. It was the best she could do without more makeup so she held her head high and stepped out of the bathroom. She didn’t want to be the meek and teary. She was going to talk to him without getting overly emotional.  The thought went out of her head when she saw Gerard waiting beside the door looking concerned and adorable with sad eyes.

“I haven’t been in contact with her Lilly, I promise. Here” he handed her his phone in an act of total honesty. He had nothing to hide and had done nothing to warrant Lilly’s mistrust and yet, she had locked herself away to cry because she was so willing to think the worst of him. His eyes were pleading for her to believe him and in that moment she did. She trusted that he was telling the truth. She didn’t need to read his messages to know the truth. Whether he was talking to Jessica or not wasn’t the problem. His lack of communication with Jessica wouldn’t ease the root of her anxiety.

“I believe you.”

Gerard had been gearing himself up for a dramatic scene judging by his tensed shoulders which relaxed when his phone was handed back to him.

“That doesn’t mean anything though Gerard. Not if you still love her.”

Gerard’s was blindsided by the unexpected turn in conversation. Lilly had sprung a topic that neither was prepared for but, she knew it was one that would happen sooner or later. Gerard opened his mouth to respond but closed it quickly when no words came out. He took a deep breath to collect himself under Lilly’s waiting gaze. As unfair as it was to put him on the spot it was also the best way to get the honest answer out of him.

“Is that your way of asking if I’m still in love with her?”

“I suppose it is.”

She waited for the confirmation that would crush her heart with unflinching eyes, her green orbs watching every awkward move Gerard made. His hazel eyes never faltered in meeting her stare even as they narrowed at the accusation being thrown at him.

“No, I don’t. Not anymore. I loved her for a long time, but she broke my heart into a million pieces and I haven’t looked back since, especially since I met you. You’re the only person I think about anymore, you’re the only person I want to be with, not that you see that of course. You’re so busy focusing on my past and to realise that I’m fucking crazy about you. You’re waiting for me to disappoint you and eventually it’s going to happen no matter how much I love you.”

_‘Okay…I did not see that coming’_

Gerard expression was as shocked as Lilly’s. The words were unplanned, unrehearsed and from the heart. Lilly could see that plainly in front of her now.

“Did you just say-“

“That I love you? Yeah I did and before you ask if I mean it, I do.”

Gerard stood calmly while Lilly processed the words she had longed to hear. She wanted to say the words back but, she knew only sobs would come out if she tried to speak. Instead she pressed her lips to his, desperate to show him just how much he meant to her. In a flash he had her pinned against the wall, escalating the kiss with roaming hands that tugged her skirt. His lips attached to her neck, sucking on her pale flesh before biting down lightly. Her moan encouraged him to take things further, earning a gasp from Lilly when his hand went inside her underwear. Her pleas for more were answered when he bunched her skirt around her waist, his fingers quickly hooking around the elastic of her underwear and pushing them down her legs for her to step out of them. It was all the prompting Lilly needed to undo the buckle of his belt and unzip his jeans, freeing him from the tight confines of the black denim. His hands gripped the back of her thighs, raising her legs off the ground and entering her swiftly. It was rushed, unromantic but desperately needed. His thrusts were hard and fast ensuring neither of them lasted long before they found their release in quick succession. They were a panting mess when it was finished, clinging to each other fervently in the aftermath.

“No more doubts, okay?” Gerard asked breathlessly in between planting light kisses on Lilly’s lips.

“No more doubts. I promise.” 


	14. Chapter Fourteen

Things weren’t perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but Lilly couldn’t deny that the little things didn’t bother her as much anymore. Things like Gerard disappearing off the radar for a couple of days at a time didn’t upset her the way it used to. Gerard turning up at her apartment, drunk out of his skull with an arrogant smirk on his face became a minor annoyance instead of a big argument that resulted in Gerard seducing her to subdue her. It was funny how three little words could make such a big difference to her, and her perspective on their relationship. With those three words, she no longer feared that he would suddenly leave her or find somebody else who was prettier, or smarter. The words were like an unspoken promise that he was serious about her; serious about _them_ and that maybe he could see a future with her. It papered over the tiny little cracks that would appear from time to time, like when it took three days for him to text her back to let her know he was alive. Those three words made her feel like she was floating on air whenever he spoke them, which he did often. When he would ring her after two days of nothing, he would apologise, tell her he loved her and her heart would melt like a block of ice left out in the sun. Part of her knew that, for him, it was a get out clause to escape her anger whenever he fucked up. When she was angry or upset with him because of his behaviour, all he had to do was coo the words in her ear and all was forgiven in a heartbeat. She would forget her anger and just enjoy the time she got to spend with him.

‘ _He really has you wrapped around his little finger_ ’ Inner Voice remarked every time he slurred the words after another drunken night out in spite of his promise to only have one or two beers, or a sudden reappearance at one in the morning after a night out with the boys from work. Lilly knew Inner Voice was right but when Gerard was around, her world was just a little bit better. It was a cliché straight out of a romance novel but love made her see everything in a different light. Colours were that little bit brighter, the air smelled sweeter and annoyances were easier to brush off.  In the weeks leading up to the end of the summer holidays Lilly found herself immersed in work again, which distracted her when Gerard was in work or just not around. Lesson planning became the bane of her existence, especially when she found out she was no longer teaching the same year as before. Last year’s plans were useless to her now, and she cursed the principal for creating the unnecessary extra work. She had all but begged the principal to change her mind. She knew that in the end it was probably a good thing and it all amounted to experience but, when she was spending hours of her precious, free time writing up new plans she wanted to tear her hair out. Gerard was there to calm her down when she ranted about how much she hated the principal, and how much teaching sucked. He just giggled at her and shook his head, before successfully distracting her with a kiss that always led to a trip to the bedroom.

“We actually got some pretty good shots from our trip to Galway” Lilly commented one night while browsing through photos on her digital camera.

“Yeah?” Gerard peaked at the pictures over her shoulder “You should post them up” he decided, before giving his attention back to the TV.

“You think?” Lilly questioned, surprised by his suggestion.

“Sure, why not” He replied without looking at her, too engrossed in the episode of Game of Thrones. Lilly had already seen it to Gerard’s annoyance but she’d insisted that they watched it together anyway.

Without further encouragement she grabbed her laptop and transferred the pictures. She bit her lip, knowing the question she wanted to ask would make her sound like a pathetic teenager but it was an issue that bothered her.

“Um, should I tag you on the pictures? It’s just…we’re not friends on Facebook or anything…” she trailed off, praying that she didn’t come across as whiney.

“Really?” Gerard asked, sounding surprised.

“Uh-huh.”

Gerard pulled out his phone, and within a minute her Facebook page flashed a friend request notification. She struggled to hold in the manic grin that wanted to break out over her face and accepted it, then proceeded to update her relationship status. She knew Gerard could see through her when she caught sight of his self satisfied smirk.

“Now that we’re Facebook official, can I get a blowjob tonight?”

Lilly swiped at his arm, which did nothing more than cause Gerard to giggle while he mockingly rubbed his arm and pout.

“You’re an asshole” she giggled , unable to keep a straight face at his undeniably adorable expression.

“Yeah but I’m a cute, adorable, insanely good in bed asshole” he wiggled his eyebrows.

“Whatever” she sighed dramatically. She refused to increase his already over inflated ego by confirming his assessment, even if it was true.

“You know I’m right” he replied cockily before dropping the conversation and continuing to watch the show.

Lilly uploaded the pictures and tagged Gerard in them, secretly beaming with pride that there was proof of her relationship with Gerard. Even though it seemed like a trivial thing, the fact that there was public, definitive proof that they were together meant more to her than she cared to admit. If Gerard was willing to proclaim to the world that they were indeed an item, it validated their relationship and by extension, made her feel far more secure. It took her half an hour to get the backlog of pictures up and tagged.  When she finished she cuddled up on the couch with Gerard, who wrapped his arm around her and pulled her tightly against him. She rested her head on his chest, breathing in his warm scent.  It was barely nine o’clock but she could feel her eyes beginning to droop of their own accord, against her will.

“Lilly, your sister’s on the phone”

Lilly shot up, her heart thumping widely in her chest. Gerard giggled behind her, placing a calming hand on her arm and handing her the phone.

“Hello?” Lilly’s hoarse voice made her cringe.

“Please tell me you didn’t forget Grandad’s birthday party tomorrow?”

“What?”

“Grandad’s eightieth birthday party? The one that’s kinda a big deal and that we’re all expected to attend? The one that Mam’s been planning for the last six months?”

“Um…”

“You forgot, didn’t you?”

“I didn’t forget…”

“Jesus Christ Lilly! How could you forget?”

“I didn’t forget, okay? You woke me up and I’m a bit dazed. I’ll be there.”

“Good. Can you give me a lift?”

“Fine.” Lilly hung up abruptly, irritation and tiredness crawling underneath her skin.

“You forgot your Grandad’s birthday” Gerard sang behind her. Lilly pounced on him, hitting him weakly on the chest once before he grabbed her wrists and easily overpowering her, giggling like a maniac underneath her.

“Hey, it’s not my fault you don’t appreciate your family enough to remember such an important occasion in your grandfather’s life” he teased, undeterred by her persistent attempts to free her hands to hit him again.

“You’re an asshole!” Lilly sighed.

“We established that already.”

Gerard let go of her wrist and swiftly wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her on top of him and cuddling her into his chest.

“I hate family gatherings.” Lilly grumbled, feeling the dread seep into her veins already. Family occasions never ended well. There was always that one aunt or uncle who drank too much, got loud, aggressive and obnoxious and ruined the occasion for everyone. There would be awkward silences, stilted conversations and not nearly enough alcohol in the world that would make the occasion any less painless.

“You never know, it could be fun. It’s free food and alcohol at least.” Gerard pointed out cheerfully.

“You should come” Lilly blurted out, instantly wishing she could take the words back.

She could feel the heat rising from her cheeks. They had just barely acknowledged their feelings for each other; Gerard wasn’t ready for such a big step. _She_ wasn’t ready for it. Her family could be intense, overbearing and always ready and willing to humiliate her in front of others. The old, embarrassing stories would be out the second Gerard said hello. It was a disaster waiting to happen.

“Do you _want_ me to go?” he asked, with only a little hint of mockery in his voice.

“Of course I do” she whispered, afraid of saying the truth.

“Then I’ll go.”

“Great. I can’t wait.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise for the crappyness of this chapter. 
> 
> I've just been a bit...uninspired with this story. I have an ending planned, possibly a sequel too. It's just the in between that stumped me. I think I know what to do now, so it shouldn't be an issue any more. Thanks to those of you who are still reading!
> 
> Lyra


	15. Chapter 15

Lilly tried to relax while she sped down the motorway with her sunglasses on to block out the sun that was miraculously blazing that day. She had no reason to be so uptight, at least that’s what she told herself. Gerard had scrubbed up well, wearing a shirt and the black jeans she loved so much. They fit him perfectly, encasing his long legs and nice ass. He wasn’t paying attention to the scenery, not that there was much to be had on the busy road. His attention was on Lilly’s sister, Fiona, who was using the opportunity to get to know Gerard a bit better. Lilly had no reason to worry, but the nervous nausea in the pit of her stomach wouldn’t go away. She had to trust that Gerard wouldn’t drink so much in front of her family. Of course, they probably wouldn’t notice, considering they were heavy drinkers themselves, but Gerard would be under scrutiny, and the last thing she wanted was for her mother to pick up on Gerard’s fondness for alcohol. He wasn’t an alcoholic. There was no way Lilly would fall for someone who had an addiction. He was young and using it to cope with certain issues in his life. It was nothing more than that. Lilly tuned out the conversation for the most part, contributing a comment or two here and there when necessary. She kept focused on the road and prayed that everything would work out fine. It was only a family gathering. Sure, everyone would be interested in Gerard for five minutes, but after that he’d be all but forgotten about,and they’d be free to enjoy themselves. Everything would be fine. It had to be.

An hour later, she was pulling up outside her parents’ house, or as close to it as she could get when there were four other cars parked outside, blocking the driveway. She killed the engine and took in a deep breath, knowing that the moment she’d be so anxious about was fast approaching. Fiona got out of the car first, springing Lilly into action. She grabbed the present she had bought last minute before they left the city. Gerard gave her a reassuring smile, and, amazingly, it calmed her down a little in spite of herself. She returned the smile, thankful that he was able to be calm when she wasn’t.

“Don’t be so nervous. I’ll be on my best behaviour, I promise.” He took a hold of her hand, giving it a loving squeeze, and let her led the way into the house. She took two steps inside before her mother came rushing down the hall to meet her. Her mother was a small, thin lady who had a loud voice that could travel for miles. Her voice was heard before she was seen in the dim light of the small hall.

“You’re late Lilly! Tell me you bought him a present or I swear to god I’ll-“

Her mother stopped short when she came into sight, flushing with embarrassment when she finally saw Lilly had company. She glanced down at their clasped hands, a bewildered expression on her face. Lilly hadn’t told her anything about Gerard, so she expected the onslaught of questions that were headed her way.

“Who’s this?” Her mother asked cheerfully, but Lilly wasn’t fooled. She cringed internally, knowing she was going to get a lecture later for keeping it from her mother. Lilly made a mental note to avoid her mother like the plague for the rest of the evening if she wanted to keep her sanity.

“Ma, this is Gerard. Gerard, this is my mother, Tara.”

Tara shook Gerard’s hand with a genuine smile, her watchful eyes appraising his appearance. She seemed satisfied enough and nodded.

“It’s nice to meet you, Gerard. I’d love to say I’ve heard a lot about you, but unfortunately I haven’t. My daughters rarely see fit to update me on their lives now they live in the city. Guess raring them for eighteen years means nothing these days. It’s shocking, really. Maybe you can remind her to pick up the wonderful piece of technology called a phone every once in a while, just to let me know she’s alive.”

“Ma” Lilly whined.

“It’s lovely to meet you, Mrs Madden.” Gerard was all smiles and politeness, but Lilly could tell he was dying to laugh. He had heard her complain about her mother so many times, and she could only imagine what he thought now that he had finally met her.

“Oh. American, huh? You’re aunt Jenny will love him. She used to live in Florida. What state are you from?”

“New Jersey” He answered, before they followed her mother out to the back garden to join the rest of the party.

The back garden was decorated with balloons and filled with relatives and screaming kids. Lilly watched the chaos, thankful that the family gatherings were sparse and far apart. She gripped Gerard’s hand and gave him a smile. He didn’t seem fazed at all by the pandemonium going on. Lilly looked around for her dad, aware that he was probably the best person to start the introduction game with. He also happened to be located beside the drinks table, which may have influenced her decision.

“I’ll introduce you to my dad.”

So began the round of introductions. Her dad had been polite and pleasant, handing them both a bottle of beer while making disinterested idle chit chat. Lilly knew she was lucky to have a dad who didn’t care about her love life too much. As long as she was happy and keeping out of trouble he was happy to keep his nose out of her affairs. She only wished her mother had the same approach. Her mother was determined to butt in on every detail she could in both her daughters’ lives, and her interference was normally the last thing Lilly, or her sister, wanted. Her mother meant well, and Lilly never confronted her mother over it, but it was still frustrating and at times overwhelming - hence why Lilly had moved from her hometown. The distance had been the best thing for her relationship with her mother, especially in the aftermath of a breakup that her mother had taken harder than Lilly had. Lilly had been more than happy for the relationship to end when it had, while her mother had made many a comment about how ‘Finn was such a lovely guy’ in the weeks that followed. It was ironic when Lilly considered her mother didn’t seem so fond of him before. After her dad, she decided to get her grandparents out of the way. Lilly could tell straight away that they weren’t Gerard’s biggest fans. It was probably the skinny jeans and slightly too long hair that raised their eyebrows, but Lilly couldn’t find it within herself to be worried about it. She saw her grandparents two times a year at most, and she wasn’t particularly close to them, so their opinion didn’t really matter. Once her present was handed over, Lilly made quick work of moving on, and within half an hour she was able to drag Gerard over to her sister and cousins, where she finally felt like she could relax a little. Her cousins were close in age to her and her sister, so it was a nice break from the judging eyes of her aunts, uncles and parents. After a while, Lilly realised that she was actually enjoying herself, and if she was taking Gerard’s smile at face value, he was happy enough with how the afternoon was panning out too. The food was good and the alcohol was plenty, making the conversation flow with ease at their table. Everything had been going well until her mother saddled up beside Lilly, with a look of mild panic on her face.

“Lilly, there’s something I should tell you. I invited Finn and his mother around.” Her mother whispered guiltily.

“You WHAT?!”

“I didn’t know you were seeing someone.You didn’t tell me! I met him last week when he came home for the weekend, and he was asking after you. I invited him thinking that…you know…this is what happens when you don’t update me on your life!”

Lilly couldn’t believe what was happening. Gerard watched with concern, seeing Lilly’s genuine distress at whatever it was her mother had told her. Her face was pale, the relieved glint in her eyes replaced by bland panic. She glanced at him, clearly upset.

“For god’s sake, ma, you don’t invite someone’s ex to a family event, even if his parents are friends of the family. Jesus Christ!”

“Don’t you get smart with me, young lady. He’s a lovely lad, and it’s not my fault I didn’t know you weren’t still available. It won’t do any harm to say hello anyway, maybe clear the air a little bit?”

“Clear the air? There’s no air to clear. It got cleared when we broke up.”

“No need to be like that. Just go out and say hello.He’s talking to your cousinJohn by the barbeque. I’m sure he won’t be staying long.His mother just wanted to drop by with a present for your granddad.”

Her mother rushed off, still flustered and sheepishly guilty for interfering once again.  Lilly was trying her hardest not to cuss and rant, angry that she had no choice but to talk to the ex she had dumped before the beginning of the school year last year, when she moved to Dublin.

“What’s up?” Gerard squeezed her hand.

“Ugh…see that blond guy beside the tall red head standing at the barbeque? He’s the ex my mother so graciously invited to the party, in the hopes we could, I quote, ‘clear the air’. What did I do to deserve this? Shit, he’s looking over here. Ugh, what do I do?”

Gerard’s concern was replaced with pure amusement at Lilly’s predicament, and not a shred of jealousy or sympathy was felt at her ex’s presence.

“You best go over and say hell then. Tell him I said hi” Gerard giggled.

“Come with me, please?” she begged.

“I would love to, but I’m in the middle of an interesting conversation about some TV show your cousin is mad about. “

“I hate you” she hissed, a little aggravated that Gerard wasn’t in the least bit concerned over her ex’s appearance.

“Love you too, baby. Just make sure you came back to me when you’re done breaking his little heart.”

Lilly groaned, wishing she could be anywhere else right at that moment. She knew she couldn’t avoid Finn any longer, not when she could feel his eyes watching her. She saw his mother talking to her aunts cheerfully, and Lilly was pleased to see she didn’t have a drink in her hands. Hopefully they would be leaving soon. With a painful sigh, she stood up and made a bee line for Finn, who kept his blue eyes on her the entire time. She mustered a small smile when she approached him, hoping it could hide her discomfort.

“Hey, Finn” She greeted him, injecting more enthusiasm than she felt into her voice.

“Hey, Lil. How have you been?” he sounded a little nervous, and Lilly was reminded of how awkward their breakup had been. It had been at her insistence, citing that her working in Dublin and him working an hour away was too difficult. They had spent over a year together, and in that time it was clear he was far more into the relationship than she was. The guilt of stringing him along had gotten too much towards the end, so when she had gotten the job offer, she had used it as the perfect opportunity to end things.

“I’m good. I’m still working in Dublin. How’re things with you?”

“They’re good. You’re looking amazing.”

Lilly blushed under his gaze, hating his scrutiny. He was definitely checking her out, and while she may have revelled in his attention a year ago, it wasn’t appreciated anymore.

“So do you.”

The inevitable awkward silence found its way into their awkward reunion. Lilly didn’t know if she should continue making strained conversation, or use the opportunity to make an exit.

“I take it he’s your boyfriend?” Finn finally asked, his eyes flickering over to the table occupied by Gerard. Lilly glanced over, meeting Gerard’s eyes and silently pleading for him to save her.

“Yeah, he is.”

“Didn’t take you long to replace me.” His spite was clear, shocking Lilly with the uncharacteristic bitterness he displayed.

“He didn’t replace you, Finn” Lilly sighed, more exasperated than annoyed with the attitude.

“Sure seems like it. I didn’t take you for a whore, but I suppose we all get things wrong occasionally.”

“Is everything alright here?” Gerard’s voice came from behind her, and Lilly recognised the anger in it before she faced him. He looked livid, and she was certain that he had heard Finn’s insult. Finn just stood there, goading Gerard with his self-satisfied smirk that begged to be punched.

“It’s fine” Lilly warned, afraid that Gerard would start a fight in the middle of the party. She didn’t care if Finn got his ass handed to him, and if they had been anywhere else, she would have let it happen.

“It doesn’t sound like it.”

“Leave it, Gerard. Let’s go back to the table.”

She tugged at the sleeve of his shirt, gently coaxing him away from the tense standoff. Gerard gave Finn a last glare before following Lilly.

“You should have let me punch him. Fucking asshole” Gerard grumbled, shaking with fury.

“He’s just bitter, because I dumped his ass and got somebody better. Let him have his little dig, I really couldn’t give a shit,” Lilly whispered into his ear. Gerard smirked, suddenly pecking Lilly on the lips.

“Damn right, you got somebody better.”

“Lucky me, huh?” Lilly giggled.

“You betcha.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another update for my wonderful readers. Thanks for sticking with me!
> 
> Lyra 


	16. Chapter 16

Finn and his mother left quickly after that, but not before he threw one last filthy look in Lilly’s direction, which was accompanied with a snide smirk that made her think twice about letting Gerard knock his lights out for her whole family to see. Lilly didn’t care if his parents were friends of the family; she was secretly fuming at the nerve he had to come to her grandfather’s party and throw insults in her direction. Gerard seemed to calm down when Finn left, though, thanks to the alcohol. Lilly supposed she had to give him credit for holding back a little in front of her family. Even though it was getting late, and nobody was paying attention to them anymore, he was still taking it easy with the beer, which was more than could be said for her sister and cousins.  It was hitting nine o’clock when her cousins Hector and Dylan brought up the idea of going out.

“I’m afraid now. I’m driving back to Dublin tonight, that’s why I only had the one drink.” Lilly excused herself, not at all in the mood to pub crawl with her cousins when she was pretty sober. She had allowed herself one beer when she came in, knowing it would be out of her system by the time they were due to leave.

“Oh, c’mon, Lil.When’s the last time we all went out?” Hector nudged her, giving her his best charming smile.

“No can do. Anyway, we’d have nowhere to stay. There’s no way ma would let Gerard stay over,” Lilly reasoned, ignoring her sister’s exasperated expression.

“Lil, ma will be fine with it, if it means she’ll have you here in the morning. There’s no harm in asking, anyway. Loosen up!” Her sister bit out, annoyed.

Lilly looked to Gerard, trying to gage his thoughts on what they should do. He shrugged his shoulders, indifferent to whether they stayed the night or went back home. Lilly was certain her mother wouldn’t allow it, though. Even though she was twenty two, there was no way her mother would be happy with the idea of Gerard staying over in the house, let alone even share her bed.

“Let’s see what mam says,” she muttered, earning a pleased grin from Fiona. She found her mother talking to her aunts, who were all a little more than tipsy,thanks to the Cosmopolitans they’d concocted.

“Mam, I was wondering…would it be okay if I stayed over tonight?”

“Of course you can! You know your room is always here!” Her mother sounded delighted, obviously not realising the full implication of Lilly’s request.

“Well, Gerard would kinda need to stay over too,” Lilly pointed out uneasily.

Just as she predicted, her mother’s happiness vanished as quickly as it came. Her smile disappeared, replaced with a conflicted expression.

“Lilly, I’m not sure if I’m comfortable with that” her mother sounded a little pained.

“No, it’s alright. It’s just that Hector asked if we’d head out, it’s not a big deal.”

Her mother sighed.

“It’s not often I get you home, though…and you _are_ an adult,” her mother let out a sigh, “Fine, he can stay, but I’m trusting you two to… _behave_ yourselves. This is my house, respect that, okay?” Her mother ended sternly, her eyes narrowing in a silent threat.

“Understood,” Lilly blushed, more than eager to escape her mother’s glare. She rushed back to the table, and promptly grabbed the full beer in Gerard’s hand, taking a large swig. Gerard raised a questioning eyebrow, while Fiona giggled.

“What?  I need to catch up if we’re gonna head out,” Lilly grinned.

“So you’re staying out with us, little cousin? Look at you, all grown up!” Hector teased, earning a punch in the arm from Lilly, which only made him laugh harder, while he rubbed his arm mockingly.

“Still a weakling, I see.”

He regretted his words when Lilly kicked him in the shins, hard enough to bring tears to his eyes, and make him yelp.

“What was that?” Lilly mocked.

“Lilly Madden, I see you do that again, and I swear to God, you’ll regret it. Act your age!” Lilly’s mother suddenly roared, shaming Lilly into sitting down with a red face, while everyone laughed at her. Hector stuck his tongue out at her, delighted at her public humiliation.

“Serves you right!”

“Aaaww, leave her alone. She’s so cute when she’s angry and violent,” Gerard cooed, kissing her cheek and wrapping a comforting arm around her.

“You’re all so mean,” she whined, burying her head in Gerard’s neck.

“And you’re a violent midget. Deal with it,” Dylan laughed.

“Okay, that’s enough, children. Get that beer into you, and then we can head on it to town. It’s gonna be legendary,” Fiona interjected, clinking her bottle with Lilly’s, with barely contained excitement.

An hour later, they were comfortably settled in the corner of a small local pub, which was, not surprisingly, busy, considering it _was_ a Saturday night. Fiona had ordered a shot for Lilly, desperate for Lilly to catch up with the rest of them. Lilly wasn’t in the mood to argue, so she downed it with a grimace at the liquorice aftertaste.

“Ugh. Next time, make it a cola shot or something.” Lilly complained.

“Shut it, you. Just be thankful I’m a nice older sister, who buys her baby sister alcohol.”

“You only bought it, ‘cause you don’t wanna be the only one hungover tomorrow. I know how your mind works,” Lilly pointed out. Fiona shrugged, her lack of denial speaking volumes. They sat at the table for a while before Fiona declared that she was going outside for a smoke.

“I’ll join you,” Gerard stood up, following Fiona out to the smoking area out the back of the pub.

“So, you got yourself a new lover boy?” Dylan got straight to the questioning the minute that Gerard was out of sight.

“I did indeed. What of it?” Lilly answered vaguely, not entirely comfortable with discussing her relationship with either of her cousins, who would only tease her mercilessly, no matter what she said.

“Aaww, don’t be so coy about it. Tell us a bit more about him. Is it love?” Hector nudged her lightly.

“I’m not saying anything. Anything I say, you’ll just use against me, and torture me to the end of my days with it.”

“Aw, c’mon, we’re all grown up’s here. He seems like a nice guy.A bit geeky, but nice all the same.”

“He is nice. Most of the time.”

“Is he good in bed?” Hector sprang the question out of nowhere, causing Lilly to choke on her beer in shock. She spluttered for a good solid minute, helped by Dylan, who patted her back.

“Jesus Christ, you’re so fucking nosey,” Lilly managed to croaked, her voice still a little breathless.

“I’m curious, is all,” Hector muttered.

“Keep your curiosity to yourself. Fucking pervert,” Lilly hissed.

“Whatever. Anyway, did you see Finn’s face when he saw you sitting beside Gerard? Poor guy.He looked like he was going to punch someone.” Dylan sounded sympathetic and amused at the same time.

“He’s a fucking asshole. He called me a whore for having a new boyfriend.” Lilly hissed.

“Fucking dick. You should have told him Gerard’s dick is bigger than his.”

“Oh, believe me, it is.”

“Oh, _I’m_ the pervert when I ask about your sex life, but it’s okay for you to talk about your boyfriend’s dick!” Hector dipped his fingers in his pint and flicked his fingers in Lilly’s direction, hitting her with a few drops of the drink.

“Asshole,” Lilly whined, wiping her dress.

The conversation continued in the same fashion for a while, until Lilly realised Fiona and Gerard had yet to return. She excused herself to go find them, curious as to why they were taking so long.  She spotted them almost immediately when she stepped outside, her stomach dropping nauseously. They were sitting at a table, sitting so close they were thigh to thigh and shoulder to shoulder. They were both smiling, with Fiona’s head tilted slightly in a way that could only be described as flirtatious.  Anyone who didn’t know them would have thought they were a couple; they looked the picture of intimacy with their closeness and flirtatious body language. Lilly watched on in horror, afraid of moving, in case they saw her. She felt oddly guilty, as well as angry, for looking on. She walked back inside without being seen, heading straight for the bathroom, before she lost her composure for the whole pub to see.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Gasps* is Gerard hitting on Lilly's sister? *Cue dramatic music*
> 
> Hope you enjoyed my dears, and remember: feedback is awesome!
> 
> Lyra


	17. Chapter 17

Lilly locked the bathroom stall, resting her forehead against the cool white painted, and graffiti covered, door. She wasn’t going to cry, it wouldn’t do her any good. She cursed the alcohol in her system, which wasn’t helping her get a grip on her emotions. All the childhood insecurities she felt, when in comparison to her sister,were rushing back to her; something she hadn’t felt in a long time. Her sister was the smarter, prettier, funnier, more intelligent and amazing-in-every-way daughter. Everything had been centred on Fiona during their childhood. Being the oldest, every one of her events had been a big deal, from starting school, her first communion, to passing exams and getting into college. Nothing Lilly did could ever hold a light to Fiona in her parents’ eyes; Lilly had always been second best. Seeing Gerard cuddled up so close to her, seeing her sister look at Gerard like she wanted him, made her stomach twist, and it wasn’t because of the alcohol. Her sister had always gotten everything she wanted, and that included men too. Her sister always had a long line of admirers, aching for a chance to be given just a moment of her time. Lilly, on the other hand, didn’t have a boyfriend until college, and had to resort to asking a friend to go to her graduation ball. She had let the anger and resentment go a long time ago, knowing that it wouldn’t do her any good to spend her life jealous of the only sister she had. For the most part, her sister was a good friend, and she never threw the fact that she was the obvious favourite in Lilly’s face. Every once in a while, though, whenever Lilly [i] _did[/i]_ achieve something, Fiona would somehow find a way to make Lilly feel second best, and remind her of her place. When Lilly did her junior cert, Fiona had done amazingly well in her leaving cert. When Lilly got a place in college, Fiona had commented that ‘St. Pat’s is a good school, I suppose’, with a forced smile on her face  that reminded Lilly that Fiona was the one who got into Trinity college. When Lilly graduated, Fiona got an amazing job. Now that Lilly finally had someone that she was crazy about, someone she wanted to have a future with, Fiona was there to remind Lilly that she could have anyone she wanted, including Gerard. Would her sister stop so low as to actually try something with Gerard, just to prove a point? Or was flirting shamelessly with him enough to satisfy her ego trip?

She didn’t want to go back out and face them. She didn’t want to see Fiona gazing at Gerard with those big doe eyes, batting those eyelashes that beautifully frame her dark eyes. She didn’t want to see Gerard smirking back, the blatantly sexy smirk that would make any woman blush and squirm.  Gerard was always eager for an ego boost, and if all it took was a few words, and a forbidden look, to get the desired response, he’d do it. Fiona giving him attention, flirting and appealing to that side of him, would put him right where she wanted him. And, yes, as much as Lilly wished that she could completely trust that he wanted her more than he wanted anyone else, it was impossible to believe that if he had his pick between her and Fiona, that he would choose her, not when Fiona was a much better choice. She could live with being second best to Fiona, but it hurt that Fiona had to try and rub it in her face in front of the one person she cared about. Gerard was the only person who had ever gotten a place in Lilly’s heart, and if she lost him, she knew she’d lose that part of herself too. He had her heart completely in his hands, and the idea of losing him, of him realising that he could do so much better, was too much to bear.

“Lilly? Are you in here? Hector said you’ve been gone for a while.Are you okay?”

Fiona’s dulcet voice, dripping innocent concern, only served to make her blood boil. How could Fiona go from flirting shamelessly with Gerard, with no consideration for Lilly’s feelings, to sudden concern for her little sister? Lilly’s fists were clenched tightly, begging for Lilly to open the door and take a swing at Fiona’s disgustingly pretty face, so hard thather make up would come off from the sheer force of the hit. It wasn’t like Lilly to feel that way.She hated that one person was responsible for her being able to feel such great highs, and such devastating lows. 

“Lilly, I can hear you breathing. What’s wrong? Did something happen?” Fiona’s voice was on the other side of the door, a little hesitant.

“Oh nothing, really. Nothing makes me happier than seeing my sister and boyfriend practically eye-fucking, and looking cosy, while enjoying a cigarette. What on earth could be wrong?”

“Lilly, what the fuck are you talking about? We were just talking, you know, like normal people do when they’re getting to know each other? Would you prefer if we sat in silence, and not try to get along?”

“Oh, please,” Lilly spat, opening the door suddenly to face her sister, “I’ve seen you pick up guys enough times to know when you’re flirting. You can get any guy you want, but you decide to go for the _one_ guy I’ve ever loved? What the fuck is your problem?”

“Okay, first of all, you’re being fucking paranoid. Second, why the hell would I go for your boyfriend? You’re my _sister_. Do you think I would do that to you? He’s cute, but he’s not _that_ fucking irresistible. Do you think that little of _him_?”

Lilly opened her mouth, trying to form a reply, but when it came to forming words, nothing came. She shut her mouth quickly, her cheeks flushing pink.

“Jesus, Lilly, what is this guy doing to you?” Fiona whispered.

“Nothing.He’s-“

“Lilly, I’ve never seen you like this. You’ve always been one of those quiet, logical people. You never shout, you never start a confrontation. Now, you’re _yelling_ at me because of a guy? You never hang out with me anymore, you barely reply to my texts. You never come home to see mam and dad. I saw your friend Gina yesterday, and she told me you haven’t talked to her in weeks, let alone actually hang out with her and your friends. You spend all your time with this guy, to the detriment of your friendships, yet you don’t even _trust_ him?”

“I trust _him_.It’s-,” Lilly was cut off.

“What, it’s everyone else you don’t trust? You think every girl is going to try to get to him? If you really trusted him, you’d trust that he only has eyes for you.”

“One day he’s gonna realise that he can do so much better than me.” Lilly whispered.

“Lilly, let me tell you something. The whole time we were out there, he was talking about _you_ , asking all these questions about what you were like when you were growing up and stuff.  Everything was ‘Lilly, this, Lilly that’. He didn’t even notice that tart who had her tits hanging out of her dress. I wanted to fucking punch him, it was getting that annoying. He loves you, Lilly.That much is obvious from the way he talks about you. Can you not see that? And of course he’s not going to find somebody better than you. You’re smart, funny, pretty, you’re as weird and creepy as he is. Angelina Jolie could walk in here, and he wouldn’t notice her. You need to stop putting yourself down, Lilly. You’ve always done it, and that’s the thing that’s gonna break your relationship, not his imaginary roaming eyes, or my supposed flirting. Don’t ruin a good thing over petty insecurities.”

Tears were rolling down Lilly’s cheeks, but she didn’t notice them until Fiona wiped them away, and wrapped her thin arms around Lilly’s shoulders.

“I shouldn’t have given you that jager-bomb. You could never handle them.” Fiona chuckled.

“Yes, I can. I threw up that one time, and you’ve never let me forget it,” Lilly muttered childishly.

“What a way to ring in your twenty first.”

Lilly giggled, remembering her first jager-bomb, which was at midnight when she turned twenty one. It had promptly come back up a minute later, much to Lilly’s embarrassment, and everyone else’s amusement.

“Here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to clean you up, and forget this happened. Then, we’re going to go back out there, you’re going to give your boyfriend a hug and be all disgustingly cute, okay?”

Lilly nodded, took a deep breath and let Fiona drag her over to the sink to fix her makeup. Fiona led her back to their table, where Gerard was now sitting on Lilly’s vacated seat, with a new beer in hand. He smiled when he saw Lilly, his eyes lighting up at the sight of her. He held his arms out to her, coaxing her to sit on his lap.

“Hey, baby,” he slurred, kissing her neck with a sloppy kiss that made her squirm. Lilly knew her sister was right; it was her own doubts and insecurities that would put a spanner in her relationship. It was a 'one step forward, two steps backward' effort, though. The more she felt secure, the harder her moments of insecurity hit her. She grabbed her drink off the table, taking a large gulp to wash away the nagging voice in her head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys,
> 
> Thanks to all the readers/commenters/subscribers who are still reading. You guys are awesome! I hope you're still enjoying this. This story will be ending soon, there are eight chapters left, but there is a possibility of a sequel. It depends on you guys. If you guys are interested, please let me know. 
> 
> Lyra


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys,
> 
> Another chapter for all you readers. As always, I hope you enjoy, and if you can take a second, please leave feedback. There wasn't much response in regard to a sequel, so that's still up in the air. If it's an idea you'd like, please let me know. 
> 
> Lyra

The next hour had played out without any more drama on Lilly’s part, though she had been noticeably quiet. She couldn’t get Fiona’s words out of her head, pulling them apart and overanalysing them in a way only a drunk person could. She was vaguely aware that Gerard had slowed his drinking down, possibly in concern after catching on to Lilly’s mood. Hector didn’t seem to pay attention, though Lilly wouldn’t have been surprised if he just plain didn’t notice her slightly quieter state. Fiona was shooting Lilly concerned glances every time Lilly made another trek to the bar for another shot.  After shot number six, she was all but swaying in Gerard’s lap, and by then his concern was obvious. He quickly grabbed a hold of her waist and helped her steady herself when she grabbed the table and giggled.

“Anyone want a drink?” she slurred.

“I’m fine,” Hector slurred with a cheery grin.

“Lilly, I think you’ve had enough,” Fiona spoke up, with the same authoritative tone their mother would use.

“Piss off!” Lilly muttered, still smarting over their conversation from earlier.

“I think she’s right, Lilly. I think we should go back to your parents and get some sleep,” Gerard quickly agreed with Fiona, no trace of his previous slurring to be found in his voice.

Lilly glared at him, offended that he was siding with her sister, in front of everyone. Her drunken eyes couldn’t take in his surprised and worried expression. She didn’t want to see it. She just wanted to be angry, for a reason she wasn’t even sure of. Sure, Fiona claimed that there had been no flirting, and that Gerard had done nothing but talk about Lilly, but in Lilly’s state, she couldn’t quite find it in herself to believe it, or find comfort in her sister’s words. Deep down, she knew she was being irrational. There were other issues at hand that were causing her anger, issues that were still clouding over Lilly’s happiness. Fiona was right about Lilly cutting her friends out. She was becoming so absorbed with Gerard, and being available for whenever he was around, she had all but lost contact with her friends in recent weeks. The only other person she had seen in the last two weeks was her roommate, and even at that Lilly was aware that she was going to be moving soon. She spent most nights with her boyfriend, and Lilly was psyching herself up for the possibility that she would be searching for a new roommate soon. She never imagined she would become one of those girls that put dicks before chicks, but then again, she never imagined herself falling so pathetically head over heels for someone either. Another elephant in the room that was her mind was Gerard’s drinking. His drinking was still picking at her, and even though he had been on his best behaviour today, in spite of her family’s copious alcohol supply, she was certain that it was a once off. The fact that he was now calling her out on her drinking, in front of her family, no less, when she was unable to defend herself how she would like, was an irony that wasn’t lost on him.

 _‘Kind of hypocritical_ _, coming from him, don’t you think’?_ Inner voice raised her opinion, as she was prone whenever Lilly was under the influence.

“Coming from you? That’s a laugh!” she snapped, storming away from Gerard who shot her the most confused expression she’d ever seen from him. The barman gave her an uneasy smile, not comfortable with serving her more drinks. She ordered a jagerbomb, and Lilly noticed he had only given half the normal amount of jagermeister, which she quickly ordered him to rectify. She was well aware that Gerard and Fiona were talking about her when she was at the bar, discussing what was wrong with her, and how they could convince her to go home and sleep it off.  Lilly wondered if Fiona would tell Gerard about Lilly’s mini meltdown in the bathroom, or would she keep the sister code, and ensure she kept her mouth shut. She downed the jagerbomb in seconds, wiping her mouth with no grace.

“Lilly!”

The high pitched voice came out of nowhere, and if Lilly had been more sober she would have jumped in fright. She pivoted, slowly so that she didn’t stumble. She broke into a genuine grin when she was greeted by the sight of a highly intoxicated old friend.

“Clodagh!” Lilly squealed, rather loudly, and she clumsily brought the drunken girl into a hug, something she would never do sober, with her anti-social tendencies.

“How are you?” Clodagh giggled, swaying unsteadily.

“I’m great! I’m teaching in a primary school in Dublin! How are you? I haven’t seen you since the Leaving Cert exams. What did you do in college?”

‘ _Ugh, this is why you don’t get drunk when we come back here. You always talk to people you don’t even like!’_

Somewhere in the back of her mind, Lilly knew it was bad when her own subconscious was getting pissed off with her.

“Oh, I just went to the local college. I did engineering.”

“Awesome.”

“I know, right!”

There ensued a rather drunken conversation, which only lasted for a few minutes, before Gerard found her, interrupting the conversation with a quick, insincere apology to Clodagh, who took her drink and went off with a little wave.

“Lilly, I’m really tired. Can we go, please?” Gerard pleaded, sounded almost nervous.

“What about what I want, for once?”

“What?” he asked, taken aback.

“I wanna stay. We always do what you want, but for once, can we just do what I want? Just once? Or is that too much to ask?”

Gerard let out a frustrated groan, and whatever patience he had been holding onto vanished.

“Lilly, you’re fucking drunk. You need to drink some water and sleep it off.”

“Why?Because you don’t want to deal with me being drunk? What about all the times I’ve put up with you being drunk? It’s a problem now when the shoe is on the other foot, huh?”

“I’m not going to start an argument here. I don’t know what the hell went up your ass to change your mood, but whatever it is, we can talk about it tomorrow, when you’re sober.”

 _‘For once, I agree with him. It’s time to go home._ ’ Inner voice spoke in a voice eerily similar to her mother’s.

She saw the anger in his eyes, mixed in with a healthy dose of hurt. It permeated her drunkenness enough to make her feel a sting of guilt at what words she’s hurled at him so unfairly. The effect of the guilt was immediate, and the tears were already filling up her eyes, giving them a glassy look.

“Fuck,” Gerard groaned, “Don’t cry. There’s no need to cry. You’re just drunk, and you need to get some sleep. Everything’s okay.We just need to get you back to your parents’ place.”

Lilly just nodded, not trusting herself to hold onto the tears threatening to spill down her cheeks. He took her hand and led her out of the bar, where Fiona was already hailing a taxi for them.

“Is she alright?” Fiona asked.

“I’m right here, you know? And I’m fine. Just…a little drunk.”  

“She’ll be fine,” Gerard sighed.

The taxi pulled up, which they all bundled into in silence. Fiona gave the directions to her parents’ house, which was a mercifully quick journey.

“Lilly, for the love of God, please try to be quiet. Ma will flip if she sees you drunk.” Fiona whispered outside the door, before slipping the key in the lock. Gerard kept his hands firmly attached to Lilly’s waist, saving her from falling through the door. She stumbled another two times, before Gerard picked her up bridal style and followed Fiona to Lilly’s old room.

“I’m sorry,” Lilly whined loudly when he set her down on the bed, finally letting her tears fall freely down her cheeks while he stripped off her dress and tights.

“I know, baby. Which drawer has your pajamas?” he whispered patiently.

“That one,” she pointed at it, swaying even as she sat on the bed. He pulled out an old nightdress, putting it over her head and helping her to put her arms through the straps.

“I need to brush my teeth,” she muttered, standing up on wobbly legs, with help from Gerard. He followed her to the bathroom, shushing her when she tried to talk. She found her old toothbrush and toothpaste, knocking over the bottle of soap in the process. She pulled out a new toothbrush for Gerard to use, demanding he brushed his teeth too. He eventually managed to get her into bed, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her close to him.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered again tearfully.

There was a pause, and Lilly wondered if he had heard her.

“Why did you get so upset earlier? Everything was fine, until I left for the cigarette. When I came back, you were gone. What happened?”

“I saw you talking to Fiona.”

“Okay?” he asked quizzically.

“You just looked so…I dunno, you were just so fucking close. You were looking at her like you wanted her, and she was staring at you and-”

“You got jealous?” he asked incredulously.

“I know it’s stupid-”

“You’re right, it is. I love you. You, Lilly. Nobody else.”

“One day, you’re gonna leave me.” She cried.

“Lilly, I-”

“It’s true. I know you love me, but even if you don’t find someone else, one day you’re gonna want to go home. You’re gonna go back to the States, and leave me here, and I don’t know which one is worse. You leaving me for someone else, or just leaving me.”

“Lilly, look at me!” Gerard ordered, rolling Lilly onto her back when she refused, and holding her cheeks in his hands, forcing her to meet his gaze.

“Lilly, I’m not going anywhere, okay? This is my home, Lilly.Here with you. I won’t go anywhere without you.”

“You promise?”

“I promise.”

He kissed her lips softly, cuddling her to his chest again and stroking her hair until she fell into a deep sleep.


	19. Chapter 19

Lilly paid for her over indulgence the next morning with a severe headache that made her swear off alcohol for the rest of her life. She had few memories of anything past the jagerbombs Fiona had bought her when they first entered the bar, though Lilly had a vague recollection that she may have gotten emotional at some point. It wasn’t brought up by Gerard or Fiona, so Lilly could only pray her emotional outburst was something small, trivial and nothing too embarrassing. Fiona had taken on the duty of driving back to Dublin, letting Lilly suffer her hangover in the backseat with a somewhat solemn Gerard. He had been quiet in her parents’ house, which Lilly had put down to him feeling awkward around her parents when they knew he had been in her bed. She thought that maybe he would relax once they were in the safety of her car, but he still remained pensive and barely responsive. If Lilly had been in a better frame of mind, and in less pain, she may have questioned it, but her head was too fuzzy to give it too much thought. The splitting headache and general sluggishness was enough to contend with, and she wondered how she was even able to function somewhat normally in front of her parents that morning. They weren’t stupid; they knew she had been drinking, but she had been able to hold it together enough for them to not lecture her or Fiona over their drinking, as they were apt to do whenever they saw their children overdoing it on the booze. It was a parent’s prerogative, she supposed, but it never made it any easier to listen to them, especially when she remembered the number of times she had witnessed them stumbling about when inebriated, and as they got older, the next day vomiting that came in the aftermath of the odd night out they'd had. Lilly had always laughed at them, feeling no sympathy as they puked their guts up, rather she would just wonder why on earth they would let themselves drink to the point of two day hangovers. Now that she was older, and suffered the occasional hangover as a result of not knowing her own limitations, she was more sympathetic to their plight.

“You gonna stay with me tonight?” Lilly asked Gerard softly, avoiding speaking too loudly for the sake of her delicate head, which couldn’t tolerate loud noises in her current state.

“Sure.”

She let it slide for the rest of the journey, praying that the ibuprofen would kick in and give her some kind of peace from the pain she was in. Fiona was in a slightly more cheerful mood, but she kept conversation to a minimum when she saw the severity of Lilly’s condition. The radio filled the silence in the car, and overall it was a pleasant experience to just sit and relax.

By the time Lilly and Gerard were back at her place, the painkillers had kicked in, and her mood had picked up. Gerard was still quiet, though, and it started to worry her when he barely spoke two words to her as they sat on the couch. She was cuddled up to his side, and he had one arm slug over her shoulders with his hand resting on her upper arm. She wondered if she should bring it up- she knew she could have just been suffering from a dose of ‘the fear’, but she highly doubted it. Paranoia set in, and she racked her brain to come up with more memories from the previous night that may account for Gerard’s sudden silence. Nothing came to mind, and she would have normally assumed that Gerard would tell her if she had done something.

“Is something wrong?” she finally asked, frustrated and unnerved that she may have done something the night before to upset him.

Gerard turned his head to face her, his dark eyes slightly glazed with tiredness.

“Do you trust me?”

“Of course I do,” she automatically replied.

‘ _Are you sure about that?_ ’ Inner Voice butted in unhelpfully.

He shook his head, a bitter look marring his handsome face.

“Do you even realise you’re lying?”

Lilly’s defences automatically bristled at his accusation, and she unconsciously moved away from his embrace in her anger. If she were being truly honest with herself, she would admit that her offence over his words stemmed from the fact that they were true on some level. She didn’t trust him not to disappear, or to run off back to the United States once he got over his hurt.

“I’m not lying!” she spoke with vehemence that tried to hide her guilt.

“You practically admitted it last night, Lilly. You’re afraid I’m going to leave you, how on earth does that equate to trusting me?”

Lilly pursed her lips, knowing there was nothing she could say if she had indeed spilled her guts the night before. She cursed her drunken stupidity for blurting her feelings out.

“I…What did I say last night?”

“You really don’t remember?”

“No,” she shook her head sadly.

“You said you think I’m going to leave you.”

Lilly sighed, wondering what she could do to rectify the situation. Was there any point in taking it back, when he knew it would be a lie? If she admitted it, it would certainly be something they may never come back from. She should have known that she would be the one to screw their relationship up.

“Okay, fine. I can’t help but worry that you’re gonna leave one day. I don’t think it’s completely irrational to be a little scared of that. You’re angry with your family right now, but that'll change. Don’t say it won’t, because it will. Mikey is your brother, and sooner or later your anger will fade, and you’ll want to go back to your family. There’s nothing wrong with that. But if you decide to go back…I can’t go with you. And that really fucking scares me.”

Understanding flashed in Gerard’s eyes, his anger fading, but not completely eradicated.

“Let’s say you’re right, and I decide that I want to go back. Why couldn’t you go?”

“I wouldn’t get a job. My qualification would mean nothing over there. I worked too hard in college to have it suddenly mean nothing. Not to mention the obvious fact that my family and friends are here. I’d have nothing over there.”

“You’d have me. Wouldn’t that be enough?”

“You’d get sick of me relying on you, Gerard. I’d have no job, no social outlet, because my social anxiety would only get worse, living somewhere where I feel out of place. You like to come and go as you please, and that’s okay,while I have stuff to distract me here, I won’t have that if I leave everything behind. I’d be fucking miserable, Gerard. Not at first, because I’ll just be so happy that we’re together that the isolation won’t bother me. But eventually it will. I’ll get sick and tired of being on my own while you’re at work, or decide to go out with your friends, or don’t come back, because you’ve stayed out all night.”

“God, you’re so negative at times. Maybe you won’t be able to get a job teaching, but you’d find something. You’re college educated; you got good marks.Someone would hire you. You’d make friends, Lilly. The real problem is that you don't trust my feelings for you.”

“How can I when you come and go as you please? You drop by when it suits you, you come here drunk half the time. You tell me you love me, and I believe it. But how can I trust you won’t disappear when I don’t see you or hear from you in days. It just seems so easy for you to forget about me when it’s convenient for you. I know I’m overreacting, and maybe I’m just being possessive, but I can’t help it. It makes me insecure when you do that, and it doesn’t matter how many times you tell me that you love me, it’s never going to not make me feel insecure. You know everything about me, and in return I feel like I know so little about you. How can I trust that?”

Lilly was met with a blank expression, which revealed nothing of what Gerard was thinking. She had only said what she felt, and believed it wasn’t wrong or irrational for her to feel that way.

“Is there any point in this, if that’s how you really feel?”

Her heart dropped when the words slipped from his tongue, but more than that, she felt angry.

“How about you just, oh, I don’t know, not fucking disappear all the time? Why can’t that be a fucking solution?” her quiet voice was drenched in white hot fury.

“I don’t fucking disappear, Lilly. When I’m not with you, I’m at home in my apartment. Occasionally I go out with the guys at work, but I’m not off messing around.”

“Then why don’t you reply when I text you?”

“Because sometimes I just need time to myself! It shouldn’t be a big fucking deal.”

“It wouldn’t be, if you just told me that!”

“Right, because you wouldn’t take it personally if I told you that?” he said with heavy sarcasm.

“Of course not!”

He didn’t reply to that, only glared at her with an angry stare that matched her own.

“I didn’t know it bothered you so much. You should have said something” he finally relented, sounding almost apologetic.

“I didn’t think it would make a difference.”

She wasn’t expecting it when he suddenly wrapped his arms around her, enveloping her in a strong hold that never failed to comfort her, no matter how angry or upset she was.

“I’m sorry. I’ll try to do better. No more disappearing,” he promised, sounding sincere as his warm breath hit her cheek and his warm body cling to her.

“I’m sorry too.”

“How about I buy a pizza, and we can just have a nice evening now, okay?”

“Perfect.”

He ordered the pizza and they went back to their previous position on the couch, where they remained for the rest of the evening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here you go! Hope you enjoyed! Oh, for the readers of my 'My Way Home' story and it's sequel, I have taken the story down with the intention of rewriting. I found myself wishing I had given it a different ending, so I'm rewriting with plot changes and a sequel to 'Kids' is a certainty. When 'Give 'Em Hell' is finished, I shall start reposting. I really hope you guys reread, as there will be plot changes.
> 
> Lyra


	20. Chapter 20

“Hey, Lil, can I talk to you for a sec?”

Lucy’s cheery tone interrupted Lilly’s last minute prep work for her class plan. The start of term was now mere days away, and Lilly found she was eager to return to the classroom after the long break. She had an older group this year, and while she had been annoyed at first by the unexpected change, she was now more positive about the idea. There were a lot of upsides to having an older group that she didn’t get with the ‘babies’, as she called them. The older children would be easier to control and better able to sit and listen during lessons. They also required less mothering (not that she minded mothering the children, really, hence why she had taken the Junior Infants class in the first place) and were at the age where they could voice opinions, which meant she could table a weekly discussion time with the group.

“Sure.What’s up?” Lilly saved her document and closed her laptop, centring her attention on her roommate. Lucy looked a little apprehensive, wringing her hands together in a sign of nervousness.

“Is something wrong?” Lilly asked, concerned for her roommate and friend of five years, who was rarely anxious about anything. She was one of those confident, upbeat people, and it was a case of opposites attracting when it came to their friendship. Lilly had to admit that most of the college friends she had made, had been because of Lucy’s interference and dominating personality, refusing to let Lilly shy away into the background like she wanted.

“Well, you know that I’ve been spending a lot of time in John’s place lately?”

Lilly nodded.

“His roommate, Stephen, is moving out in a week, and John… he asked if I wanted to move in with him.”

“Lucy, that’s great!” Lilly squealed with delight, springing up from her chair and hugging her roommate.

“Isn’t it? So, you’re okay with me moving out?”

“Oh,” Lilly faltered, only putting the reality of Lucy’s words together now. She was stunned, though she knew she shouldn’t be. Lucy and John had been together for over a year, and Lucy was barely in their apartment anymore. She spent all her time with John, so it was a natural next step. She was happy for Lucy,but she was now left in an awkward position of finding a roommate, and it hit her like a tonne of bricks. She couldn’t let it show, and ruin Lucy’s moment.

“Of course, Hun! You have to do what’s right for you, and this is a big thing! Don’t worry about me. I’m sure I can find someone to move in.” Lilly faked her cheer with a smile and more enthusiasm than she felt.

“It’s a nice apartment.You’ll have your pick of people, and I’ll pay you next month’s rent for the short notice, so you’ll have more time for people to view the place. I think I might know someone from work who’s looking to move, I can say it to her, if you want?” Lucy’s previous anxiousness seemed to have been relieved by Lilly’s reaction, and now her smile was wide and lighting up her freckle dusted face. Her blue eyes were the epitome of pure happiness, and it made Lilly cease her selfish thinking.

“You’re right. We’re in a good location, and the rent’s a good price. I’ll find someone.” Lilly agreed.

“Maybe you should ask Gerard?”

Lilly’s eyebrows rose before she burst into a fit of giggles at Lucy’s suggestion. She could just picture Gerard’s face if she were to bring it up.

“Oh,God! I think he’d have a heart attack. We’ve only been going out for four months.It’d be way too soon, don’t you think?”

“Time doesn’t mean anything, Lilly.Not when it comes to the heart. I knew I was in love with John after our second date. I mean, I’ve only met Gerard a couple of times, so I can’t say I know him very well, but just from the times I _have_  seen you two together, it’s easy to see you two are crazy for each other. I’ve seen you with other guys, and you’ve never been so…yourself, with someone. I know lately we haven’t been spending as much time together as we should, but I can tell you’re in love. Why not ask him?”

“Maybe,” Lilly said uncertainly.

How _would_  he react to the suggestion? She automatically assumed it wouldn’t be a good one, but what if he agreed? Was Lilly herself ready for such a big step? People could change when they moved in together, and tensions could rise when you’re faced with all the little quirks a person hides in the safety of their own home. What if he was messy? What if he got pissed off when she had all her school work strewn over the table? Part of her really wanted to believe Lucy’s optimism that it wouldn’t be a disaster, but there were too many variables to be certain that it would lead to domestic bliss. Lucy was right about one thing, though- time wasn’t going to make living together any easier. It was a risk anybody took, whether they were together a few months, or five years.

“It was just a suggestion, Lilly. Don’t over-think it. Maybe you're right.It probably is too soon.” Lucy backtracked, not liking Lilly’s sudden quietness.

“Anyway, how did he ask? Tell me everything!” Lilly turned the conversation around, pushing the thoughts out of her mind, and losing herself in Lucy’s tale.

**

“Hey, sugar!” Gerard’s New Jersey twang slipped out with ease, walking in the front door of Lilly’s apartment, looking tired, but in a good mood nonetheless.

“Hey!” Lilly kissed his lips, delighted that she had a distraction from the last-minute class preparation that was stressing her out. She was very nearly finished- one more day, and it would be done, ready to hand to the principal for inspection. She knew she was worrying too much about it, but it was a new age group, and all her prep work was from scratch.

Things had been better lately with Gerard in the weeks since their talk. He was keeping his promise of trying to not suddenly cut her out when he needed time alone, and Lilly tried to be less pessimistic. She was surprised how much better she felt, when she stopped thinking so much about the future and just lived in the present. Gerard would still be a no-show for days, but now he would text her to let her know that he was okay, and that he hadn’t forgotten about her. Of course, sometimes he forgot, as old habits did indeed die hard, but he was making an effort, and that was all Lilly could ask for.

“How was work?” Lilly asked, leading Gerard into the sitting room.

“It was okay,” Gerard replied vaguely, waving a hand dismissively. He leaned in for another kiss, and it was only then that Lilly could taste the hint of beer that lingered on his lips. It was something she was becoming more and more used to. He wasn’t drunk, so maybe it was ridiculous to feel the sting of concern, but she wisely decided to keep it to herself. It wouldn’t be worth the argument, and she really wanted to enjoy Gerard’s company.

“So, how was your day?” Gerard asked when they sat down, picking up the remote and flicking through the channels, as though it was his TV. It only served to bring back Lilly’s earlier conversation with Lucy, which she had managed to distract herself from for most of the day. Now, it was firmly back in the forefront of her thoughts, and it was much harder to forget about them when Gerard was there, lounging on the couch with a homely ease.

“Got a good bit of work done, so I should have the lesson plans finished tomorrow. And Lucy is moving out.”

Gerard’s neck turned from the TV to Lilly sharply, with speed that was certain to cause whiplash.

“Did you guys argue?” he asked with concern, rubbing his neck.

“No. John just asked her to move in with him, and she said yes. Now, I’ve to find a new roommate, which really sucks.”

“I’m sorry, sugar,” Gerard wrapped an arm around her, rubbing his large hand comfortingly up and down her arm.

“It’s not your fault. It was going to happen eventually. She’s barely here, plus they’ve been together for a while. I’m happy for her.It just sucks that I’m gonna end up living with a stranger. God knows who I’ll end up having as a roommate, you know.”

“I wish there was something I could do.”

“You could move in,” She laughed, her tone light.

Gerard giggled, and even though Lilly had used a joking tone, the little nip of hurt that she felt was disheartening. She knew he wouldn’t want to, if she had brought it up in a serious conversation but, it was apparently too absurd for him to even joke about. Lilly tried to cover up the hurt, and fixed on a smile that didn’t reach her eyes. When Gerard recovered from his bout of laughter, he smiled at her, unaware of Lilly’s devastation. It didn’t take him long to see through Lilly’s mask.

“Were you being serious?” he asked, clearly confused.

“No…not really,” Lilly dismissed, looking at her lap to avoid Gerard’s scrutinising gaze, “I’m going to get some tea.Do you want some?” Lilly tried to stand up, but was stopped short by Gerard’s hand gently wrapping around her wrist.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to laugh, I thought you were joking.”

“I was.Don’t worry about it.”

“Lilly,” Gerard warned, his tone slightly exasperated.

“I shouldn’t have brought it up. Let’s forget I said it, okay?”

“Lilly, if you want me to move in, just say it!”

The look on his face was intense, and Lilly couldn’t make out what was going on in his head. Her automatic reaction was to continue pretending that she didn’t mean it, but she wondered if maybe she should just be honest.

“I dunno...I know we haven’t been dating for too long, but I’d rather live with you than a stranger,” she admitted with a blush, avoiding his eyes.

“Okay.”

“Okay?” Lilly raised an eyebrow at how he could give such a simple answer like it wasn’t a big deal.

“I don’t see why not. Better than you living with some stranger. Plus, I spend half my time here anyway, and my roommate is an asshole.It’s a win-win.”

“So, we’re moving in together?” Lilly clarified, somehow unable to quite believe it.

“I guess so,” Gerard smirked, giving her a peck on the lips.

“Are we being completely crazy?” she asked, wrapping her arms around his neck.

“Probably, but where’s the fun in being cautious be, huh?”

She let his words wash over her, feeling giddy and strangely calm at the same time. It was a big moment in their relationship, or in any relationship, for that matter. The smile that fixed itself on her face was one of pure happiness, and Lilly felt nothing but joy and contentment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are only five chapters left, so the end is near! Hope you guys are still enjoying this!
> 
> Lyra


	21. Chapter 21

A month later, Gerard and Lilly were unpacking the handful of boxes that contained all of Gerard’s stuff. The school year had started, and so far it had gone okay for Lilly. The kids were well behaved, and easy to keep in line, for the most part. Lucy had left, with a few tears and reassurances that they would stay in touch. She had kept to her word so far, talking to Lilly more since she moved out than she had in the last six months. Things were going well for her and John, and it gave Lilly hope that she and Gerard would get along. He didn’t appear to be freaked out about them living together, or maybe he was just very good at hiding his feelings. Lilly was the one with nerves, even though it had been her idea. She tried to quash the anxiety away, refusing to let it get to her like it so very often did. She was going to make this work.

“You have too many clothes.You know that?” Gerard groaned, shuffling through Lilly’s wardrobe to make room for his own clothes.

It was ‘moving day’, and Lilly hadn’t quite anticipated just how much stuff Gerard had. Granted, he actually didn’t have that much to lug around, but it seemed like a lot when Lilly had to reorganise her room for him to fit his stuff in, namely, her wardrobe and dressers, which were already packed to the brim.

“I don’t have too many clothes. I have just the right amount. It’s you who has too many.”

“You’re gonna have to move some of this into the spare room,” Gerard ignored her comment.

“Why don’t you put _your_ stuff in the spare room?”

“You’re the one with a ridiculous amount of shirts and dresses in here, not me. Do you really need this many?” he questioned, his hand flittering through her collection of shirts.

“Yes, I do.”

“Somehow, I really doubt it,” he muttered. Lilly picked up one of the pillows on her- their- bed, and aimed it in the direction of Gerard’s head. It didn’t quite hit its target, hitting him directly between his shoulder blades.

“What did we say about domestic violence?”

“That you think it’s cute?” Lilly smiled innocently, before quickly ducking at the pillow being thrown back at her.

“Hey, that was uncalled for!”

“You started it,” Gerard reminded her.

“That doesn’t mean you have to finish it,” Lilly scolded him.

He smirked.

“Sugar, I _always_ finish what I start,” he drawled in his filthiest, sexiest voice, that always made Lilly shiver with want. It was the voice he used in bed, and it never ceased to fry Lilly’s brain whenever she heard it.

“Really?” Lilly asked huskily, biting her lower lip and coyly looking to the floor. She knew it would drive Gerard wild, and within seconds he had her pinned on the bed, his rough hands roaming her clothed body while she mewled in contentment.

 

**

 

Lilly slammed the door behind her, cold blind fury flooding her veins. The day was one of those days that reminded her how much her job could suck at times. Six weeks into the school year, and the kids were already acting up. Or, to be more specific, one child was acting up, thus distracting and influencing the others to follow his lead. Normally they were a good bunch, but that day they just wouldn’t settle. Every two seconds she was interrupted by inane questions in an attempt to distract her from their lessons, and the constant whispering and sniggering had grated on her last nerve. She felt a little guilty for the extra homework she gave them in her anger, but they needed to learn that she was not going to be a walkover. She made herself some tea, using the time it took the kettle to boil to take in a few deep breaths and calm her anger. She knew she shouldn’t let the kids get to her, but it was one of the hazards of the job. Sometimes, kids were a pain in the ass, no matter how much you loved them, or how adorable they were. The day’s shenanigans just reminded her of that fact. The fact that she had stayed behind for close to two hours, making revisions to her class plan to fit in with a revised school calendar hadn’t helped either. It was now five thirty, and all she wanted was a cup of tea and some mindless television to make up for her lousy day. She made her tea and went to get changed into something more comfortable while she left it to cool with the teabag still in the cup.

She found the loosest pair of jeans she owned, and then grabbed one of Gerard’s oversized tops. She had grown to love wearing his clothes- they felt more comfortable than her own, and there was also a bit of pride in the fact that she _could_ wear them. They now lived together, and she was able to just steal one of his many shirts and t-shirts when she felt like it. It didn’t matter that nobody else could see it - the fact that she knew it was all that mattered. She sauntered back into the kitchen, stirring her tea once more before removing the tea bag from the cup. She popped the lid of the bin open, carelessly upturning the spoon to drop the now used teabag in. She deliberately ignored the cans of beer that were lying on top, hand crushed in the middle and shiny from the light of the kitchen, which reflected off the gold and blue painted metal. She forced her mind to think about other things, like what she should make for dinner when Gerard came home. She wondered if he would spend time with her, or lock himself away in the spare room to ‘work’. Work meaning drawing while gulping down a few cans of beer with his headphones turned up loud to shut out the world around him. Lilly had been surprised by just how often Gerard drank, which was on a daily basis. He didn’t always drink to excess- sometimes it was only three beers while they curled up on the couch. Other times, though, he could drink an entire eight pack while he locked himself away. Lilly had kept her mouth shut, hoping that maybe it was just stress from work getting to him. They had a deadline coming up on a newly commissioned cartoon, which was airing in a matter of weeks. They were a small company, and everybody felt the pressure, according to Gerard. Lilly had to tell herself that it was only temporary- and if he was still drinking when the deadline was over, then she would bring it up. She refused to be the nagging girlfriend, no matter how much her stomach knotted when she saw yet another can in Gerard’s hand. They were still adjusting to living together, and the last thing they needed was for her to rock the boat. So, she would keep her fears to herself, for the time being.

She allowed herself to slouch on the couch, relaxing her tense muscles with a loud sigh. She caught up on some of the soaps she had missed recently, and lost track of the time. It felt like only a few minutes had passed since she had sat down when Gerard came home, but the time on the television told her it was a quarter to eight. Gerard dropped his bag on the floor in front of the couch, before flopping down on the other end of the couch. He released a loud sigh, and Lilly could smell the familiar scent of cigarettes and alcohol that informed her that he had gone out to the bar with his co-workers when he clocked out.

“You have fun?” Lilly asked.

“It was alright,” Gerard responded, barely looking at her.

“Will I make some dinner?”

“Sure.”

Lilly held in the angry sigh that threatened to escape, and stood up from the couch. She knew it was going to be one of those nights, where Gerard would be distant. He would probably lock himself in the spare room again, with the cans of Dutch Gold that had a special place in the fridge. Lilly quickly rustled up some pasta, with a tomato and chilli sauce. She handed Gerard his plate without a word, who took it with a mumbled ‘thank you’. She ate her own food and kept her eyes on the television, afraid that if she looked at Gerard that she wouldn’t be able to hold her tongue.

“I’m going to do some work for a while,” Gerard told her the second his plate was empty. He made his way into the kitchen, grabbing his cans and promptly took refuge in the spare room.

‘ _Quite the picture of domestic bliss we have here, huh?_ ’

Lilly ignored Inner Voice, afraid that she would crack under the pressure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end is near...anyone have any thought how how this is gonna end? 
> 
> Lyra xx


	22. Chapter 22

It was the same routine throughout the months that followed. They went to work, came home, ate dinner, then either lounged in front of the television or Gerard would lock himself away. It was easy and simple. They rarely fought over stupid things like whose turn it was to make dinner and who had left the sitting room in a mess. The bigger issue at hand, the silent elephant in the room that was Gerard’s drinking, was never mentioned. Lilly had tried to bring it up once, when they had had a nice day out at the Zoo and explored Phoenix Park. It had been a cold day, but the sun was still out and the day remained dry. They had enjoyed taking pictures of all the animals they caught a glimpse of, and the overpriced ice cream they had eaten in spite of the low temperature. They had gotten food in an Eddie Rockets, and then found a quiet pub to have a beer or two before going home.

_Gerard was barely in the door two seconds before he opened the fridge door and pulled out a can. Lilly couldn’t hide her annoyance, and the normal pleasant mask she wore had slipped for a split second, but it was enough time for Gerard to catch it._

_“What?” he asked._

_“Do you realise that’s the second six-pack you’ve gone through this week? Not including the drinks you had with the guys Thursday night_ _, and with me tonight?”_

_“So?”_

_“It’s a bit much, don’t you think?”_

_Anger flashed in his eyes, and the fridge door was closed with repressed violence that wanted to slam it to vent his anger._

_“Don’t. I drink_ _, because I like it. You nagging about it isn’t going to change it, so how about we leave it at that_ _? We’ve had a nice day,_ _so don’t ruin it by turning into a bitch!”_

_He stalked out of the kitchen, opening the can with unnecessary ceremony_ _, as though to rub it in Lilly’s face._

_“You’re a dick. You can sleep in the spare room tonight, you fucking asshole.”_

_Lilly didn’t let him respond, or talk his way out of it. She stormed into the room, slamming the door behind her with a loud ban_ _g that reverberated throughout the entire apartment. She expected Gerard to eventually calm down and apologise, but when she heard him slip into the spare room a few hours later, she had cried herself to sleep, wondering if she had been foolish to think his drinking would suddenly change._

After that, Lilly hadn’t gained the courage again to bring the subject up. She knew it would be a losing backing battle, and one that she wasn’t quite ready for yet. His drinking was only getting worse, and Lilly had no idea how to make things better.  It was now March, and Easter was coming upon them in a couple of weeks. Lilly was looking forward to a bit of time off from work, and Gerard had booked a week off so that they could take a trip to Kerry for a few days.

**

It was Friday night, and Gerard had promised to take her out for dinner. He wanted them to have a date night, which had taken Lilly by surprise. Maybe he could sense Lilly was close to breaking point after the previous weekend, when he had disappeared. He had left for work on Friday, and didn’t return until Sunday morning. Lilly had been beyond furious, especially when it was blindingly obvious that he had taken more than just alcohol. He had reeked of alcohol and weed, and the slight hint of perfume that clung to him had made Lilly’s stomach clench with nausea and a furious kind of jealousy that had knocked her for six when it reached her nostrils. The moment she had seen the state he was in, coupled with the smell, she had reverted into her shell and walked out of the apartment with the kind of calmness that only deep-seated rage and pain could bring out in a person. She had stayed with her sister that night, who knew something was wrong, but had left Lilly alone to her thoughts when it was clear that she wasn’t able to talk about it. She ignored his phone calls and texts, too hurt to handle a conversation. She had gone back Monday after work, deliberating whether she should stay with Fiona for another night, and had been surprised that Gerard was still at home. He had cleaned himself up, but the pale, sickly look wasn’t so easy to get rid of. She had locked herself in the spare room, refusing to speak to him when he planted himself on the other side of the door. She let him grovel from the other side of the door for hours before she was forced to leave the room to use the bathroom. He cornered her when she was coming out, and after an all-out argument, that lasted for hours, he had apologised and reassured her that he hadn’t been with anyone else. He explained the perfume away with a story about one of the guys spraying him with his girlfriend’s perfume after he had spilt beer on his shirt. She believed him, but it didn’t mean she was going to forgive him so easily. He hadn’t touched alcohol during the week, and when he insisted they go out for dinner, it had softened her resolve to not let it go into nothingness.

He had booked dinner for seven thirty. It was now seven, and he still hadn’t come home from work. She couldn’t refrain from clenching her bottom lip between her teeth, the sinking feeling of disappointment settling in her stomach when paranoia niggled at her mind, wondering if Gerard was even going to show up. When it hit seven thirty, anger started seeping into her veins, and without any sort of plan as to what she wanted to say, she picked up her phone and dialled his number. She let it ring out, accepting that Gerard would not be showing up. She changed out of her dress, took off her make-up and went to bed, lying on top of the covers and staring at the ceiling.

A part of her wanted to scream and shout, vent her anger somehow, so that she could exorcise the hate that clawed inside her. It wanted to break things – Gerard’s things. She wanted to do something that would hurt him. She wanted to find a way to give him a taste of his own medicine. It longed to find a way to make him feel the pain and anguish he was putting her through every time he let her down and made her feel like shit once again. The other part of her just wanted to stay where she was, lying on the bed in silence without moving an inch. It felt broken, betrayed, and yet somehow apathetic at the same time. Perhaps she deserved this. Maybe there was something about her that just cried out to be tossed aside at a moment’s notice, and begged to be treated like a toy that was played with when it suited Gerard’s mood. Maybe she should have been thankful to have Gerard at all, even if he forgot about her and her feelings whenever something better came along. Maybe she should have just accepted that she would always be second best to alcohol and partying, and learn to live with it.

_‘ Sure, bury your head under the sand. See how happy that’ll make you in a few years. What about children? You really want to raise a child with a man who can’t even show up for a dinner he suggested?’_

Inner Voice’s tone was cruel, harsh, and it broke that dam inside her that tried to separate what she wanted to believe and what she knew was true in her heart.

There was no future with Gerard, and it was time to accept it.

***

He came back Saturday, earlier than Lilly had expected. He stumbled through the door, his clothes askew,and his eyes bloodshot and painful-looking. Lilly didn’t feel a flutter of pleasure when she saw him for the first time in days; she didn’t feel giddy and happy that he was home. All she could feel was disappointment and pain that this was a cycle her life had become trapped in, and she wasn’t sure how much longer she could endure it.

_‘There’s only one way this is going to end – the sooner you realise that, the sooner you can move on. We both know this isn’t going to work.’_

Inner Voice was gentle, not her normal shrill self. It was the tone she used when she knew Lilly was already aware of the truth. Lilly couldn’t stand by and let her life deteriorate along with Gerard’s. She wanted to help him.She wanted to be enough, but it seemed as though her love wasn’t enough to save Gerard from the path he was going down. He wanted to lose himself in drink, and it was a road Lilly refused to go down with him. She had seen the effects of alcoholism, and how it could tear the people watching from the sidelines apart, and she wasn’t going to be one of those people who hoped and prayed for a miraculous change.

“Hey, baby,” he grinned, his words slurred and the stench of alcohol infecting the apartment.

“Go sleep it off. We can talk when you’re sober.”

The smile was wiped off Gerard’s face, and even through his alcohol addled brain, he sensed something was off. He knew this wasn’t Lilly’s normal anger whenever he fucked up. Her body wasn’t rigid with anger, her eyes weren’t narrow slits that would kill if looks had the ability. There was something so resigned about her body language. It was the way she was resting her back against the couch, so still and almost apathetic that he was back. Her eyes weren’t flared with anger, her lips not worried between her teeth as she often did when holding back her desire to scream and shout at him. Her lack of obvious anger set off alarm signals in Gerard’s mind, and even through the haze, he knew this wasn’t a minor fuck up that would be settled after an argument and make up sex. He had done major damage this time, and the thought made him sweat that this wasn’t going to go away easily.

“I-“

“Go get some sleep, Gerard,” Lilly cut across him quickly, not in the mood to listen to apologies and excuses, “we’ll talk later,” she repeated.

He closed his mouth, accepting that, for the moment, all he could do was sleep it off and explain his actions when his head was in better shape.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I had an ending for this that would lead to a sequel. There doesn't seem to be to much demand for it, so I don't think that'll be happening so I think the ending may change to give it a more definite end. After this there are three left, so hold on to your hats!
> 
> Lyra


	23. Chapter 23

Gerard woke up a few hours later. He hadn’t changed out of his clothes before throwing himself on their bed, passing out before his head had hit the pillow. Lilly hadn’t moved since he made his entrance, afraid that any movement would turn her nausea into vomiting. Her breathing was slow, but only through deep concentration and willpower to not have a panic attack before things got heated. Lilly knew where it was going. She knew what the end result of their argument would be, and though she was fully aware of the fact, it didn’t quite seem real. The very real fact that by the end of the night she would be single once again felt strange, surreal, not quite like it was her life and her relationship that was drawing it’s last, dying breath. It was pure torture in the sickest, most demeaning way possible, sitting on the couch knowing what was about to happen, and yet not being able to hurry it along, slow it down, or stop and contain the impending rupture that was going to tear her heart and soul apart.

When Gerard shuffled out of the room, he looked nothing short of awful. His hair was greasy, his skin was so pale that it was almost grey and his eyes were red and raw with tired bags that proved his sleep hadn’t done much to restore him to full health. His hangover was going to be a nasty one, and Lilly couldn’t find it in herself to feel sympathy. She only prayed that his pain would be half as agonising as the pain she was about to put herself through.

“We need to talk,” her tone was hard, quite similar to her 'teacher's voice' when she was correcting a student’s bad behaviour.

“Lilly, I’m sorry-“

“Shut up!Just…shut the fuck up! I’m done. I’m officially fucking done. If you want to destroy yourself, that’s fine.It’s your life.You’re a big boy, who can make his own decisions now, so you do that. Enjoy your fucking alcohol, and your fucking pills that you think I know nothing about. Enjoy it all, because I’m not going to be here to nag you anymore. Pack your stuff and get out, because I don’t want to see your face again!” She took a shuddering deep breath, breathless from the rant that spewed from her mouth.  “I fucking love you, and you just don’t give a shit.”

Her voice cracked, betraying the calm exterior she was trying to project. She didn’t want to give Gerard room to worm his way back into her affections. She didn’t want him to make her forget about the shit he had just pulled, the pain he had just put her through. She wanted none of it. She needed him gone.She needed to move on and grieve for what could have been if Gerard hadn’t been so intent on self-destruction.

“Don’t say that! I love you, and you know I do. I’m sorry, okay-“

“No. No, you don’t. If you did, you wouldn’t do this to me. If you loved me, you’d admit you have a problem. You’d try to get help, or at the very least, talk to me about what’s going on. Instead, all I get is left out in the cold, wondering if you’ll be home tonight, or will I get a phone call from a hospital, telling me you had alcohol poisoning? I can’t do it anymore, Gerard. I won’t. I’m not letting you drag my life down this path, where I’m left with nothing but little slivers of the man you could’ve been, if you were brave enough to face your problems. I know you were hurt, but, fuck!That doesn’t mean you try to destroy yourself. But that’s your choice, and I’m not standing by the sidelines anymore.”

Gerard closed the gap between them, desperation seeping out of his pores and filling the room with the stench of it. Lilly couldn’t let herself get lost in his emotional manipulation, or drown in his words that would be nothing but false promises of a better future. She took a step back when he stood in front of her, afraid that she would cave if he touched her.

“Lilly, hear me out, okay? Just hear me for a second before you do this! At least give me that before you end this! Please.”

“Why?So you can lie, and tell me you’re gonna do better? That you’ll give the drink up? Or maybe just that I’m a bitch, and I’m overreacting? No, I’m not listening to it anymore. I know I’m not worth much, but, damn it! I’m worth fucking more than that.”

“I got offered a job, Lilly. I got offered my own fucking comic.” Gerard spilled out.

The words were met with stunned silence, the news a curve ball that Lilly had not anticipated.

“What?” she asked dumbly.

“Before I came here…and all that stuff with Mikey happened, I pitched a comic to Dark Horse. I never heard back, and I assumed nothing had come of it. Turns out, it had just been delayed under a pile of other comics. They want to do my comic, Lilly.”

“Wow! Gerard, that’s amazing!” All the air was taken from her lungs, her head dizzy.

“I got the phone call Friday. They’ve been trying to get in touch with me for months, but I’d been ignoring Mikey’s calls. I finally picked up Friday, and he told me. We talked for the first time since I left, and I…I fucking miss him, in spite of what he did. It felt like it was a sign to finally go back and face everything. This is my dream, Lilly. Everything I ever fucking wanted since I was five years old and drawing characters on pieces of paper.”

The words hit Lilly like a punch in the stomach. It was with a blinding white clarity that she understood what his words meant.

“You’re going back to the States, aren’t you?”

The silence lasted a heartbeat.

“Yes.”

“Wow! I… I’m happy for you, Gerard.”

He shook his head, stepping forward to cancel out the step Lilly had taken moments before.

“No, don’t say it like that… Come with me! Come to New York with me! I’ll stop the drinking, okay? I’ll stop drinking, you can get a job, we’ll find some overpriced, crappy apartment and we can make this work.”

He reached out to take her hand, or maybe pull her into a hug, but Lilly only shirked away from his touch, her heart torn in two when she saw the flash of hurt on his face.

“I can’t, Gerard. I don’t trust you. You say you’re gonna stop, but I just don't believe it. I can’t believe it.”

“Lilly, please-“

“No, I can’t. I’m not like you, Gerard. I’m not able to make friends anywhere I go. I’m awkward, I say the wrong shit all the time, and I’d have nothing but you. A guy who drops me to go out on a binge whenever it suits him; a guy who makes me feel as though I’m a ball and chain when he comes home after another bender.”

“I’ll change, Lilly. I’ll talk to someone, if that’s what you want. I’ll go to AA, I’ll do whatever you want. Just…just don’t give up on me! Things will get better, _I_ _’ll_   do better. This is a chance for us, Lilly.”

He looked like he was about to go down on his knees and beg for another chance. There were tears in his eyes, which were wide and filled with terror. Lilly didn’t think it was possible for her heart to hurt any more, but the expression on his face; a mix of hurt, pain and a vulnerability she had never seen on him, crushed her heart into smithereens, the pieces so small it would be nothing more than fine powdery dust in her hands.

His face was honest, sincere and pleading with her to not walk away. She swallowed the painful lump that formed in her throat, choking her with emotion that was impossible to ignore or hide from. In her righteous anger, during the pep talk she had given herself to gather the guts to end things with Gerard, the idea of him leaving hadn’t quite entered her mind. In the back of her mind, she thought the break up would be more of a break. As fired up as she had been, and hurt, she never truly saw it as the final act. Part of her hoped that it would force Gerard to change, to make him finally see what he was doing to her. Now, she was faced with the scenario that if she didn’t follow him, she would truly lose him forever. This wouldn’t be a break, a time apart that they could come back from if Gerard took the steps needed to show he was going to try and get help for his drinking. When Gerard got on that plane, he was gone. There would be no coming back.

She had two choices in front of her. She could risk everything and go with him, where there was no certainty that she would gain employment, no certainty that they would last, or that he would stop drinking. It wasn’t as though she could just hop on a plane and just join him. She would need to get a visa to go over, a process that took months. It wasn’t as simple as he made it out to be. Then there was the straightforward choice. She stayed, and the broken fractures of their relationship would remain as they were. She would grieve, endure a pain like nothing else she had ever felt, but she would have her friends. She would have her job, and family. She would have security and control over what happened to her.

She opened her mouth, the answer slipping from her tongue with ease that shattered the stillness of the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, two chapters left. I'm still in two minds as to how I'm going to end this. I'm leaning towards no sequel at the moment, purely because I have so any other stories in the works. If I do decide on one, it'll be a while before it goes up. Anyway, thanks to you amazing readers and please comment if you can. 
> 
> Lyra


	24. Chapter 24

It had been a month since she had told Gerard her choice, and those four weeks had been the longest, most miserable few weeks of her life. Gerard had left that night, with a backpack and a pleading look that made her want to cry from just how unfair the entire situation was. He had come by the apartment since then – she could tell by the gradual increase of space in her wardrobe. He would leave little notes for her whenever he stopped by, with little poems, or just something soppy and lovesick that would make her break down into tears whenever she found them. He constantly texted her, telling her that he loved her, that he wanted her to go with him to the States, that he hadn’t touched any alcohol since that night, that he was sorry, and that things would be better if she gave him another chance. She had no idea where he was staying, and she never responded to his messages. She didn’t know what more she could say.There were no words that could make the hell she was in any better.

Work was torturous. Not because of the children, but because all she wanted to do was scream and shout, and it was tough to keep herself in check when dealing with a group of children who could sense something was wrong with her. The child who had been causing problems had stopped after a particularly bad tongue lashing from Lilly that almost made him cry. She had felt like shit when the class went silent, all of the children staring at her with a look of betrayal. She went from being their favourite teacher, to the one that they dreaded seeing every day. It killed her, and she tried her best to get the class back to their old selves. It had involved a bit of bribery in the form of dvd days and a major cut back on homework. It worked pretty well, and the class had relaxed in the two weeks since. There was still an undercurrent of mistrust in the air, and Lilly could only hope that it would disappear soon. It wasn’t as though she long left with them.There was a mere six weeks left in the school year, and Lilly was counting down the days until she had the entire seven days in a week to cry, and mourn, and generally act like a bitch in the comfort of her own home. She would need to get a new roommate soon, something she was holding out on, because some part of her, that wasn’t even very deep down, wanted Gerard to come back. She didn’t want him to leave, she didn’t want to have to say a final goodbye, not in her current state.

She had gotten the first indication that something wasn’t right when she vomited one lunchtime after drinking a bottle of orange juice. She had marked it as strange and unusual, but she put it down to stress, heartbreak and a soured stomach. Then it happened the next morning, and the one after that. It wasn’t until she realised that she had yet to get her period, that it clicked that she might be pregnant. She delayed doing a test, afraid that confirmation would make it real, and if it was real, she would need to deal with it. When the weekend came, she knew it was useless to put it off any longer, so she pulledup her metaphorical big girl pants, rushed in and out of a pharmacy with shame-filled panic, and in the comfort of her own apartment, she ripped open the white box, pulled out one of two white sticks, and did the necessary business. Three minutes later, a blue line appeared in one of the test windows and a pink positive sign stood out, a little faint perhaps, but it was definitely there. She took the second one an hour later, after drinking a sufficient amount to cause her to pee again, and when the same result came back, she was forced to accept that the tests were right. She knew it in her gut – she knew something strange was going on in her own body, and the test was only a confirmation.

It knocked her for six. One day, she was a normal, non-pregnant, heartbroken twenty four year old. The next, she was a pregnant, heartbroken, completely fucked, twenty four year old. She had no idea what the right thing to do was, and in the back of her mind she couldn’t help but wish it wasn’t happening. Pregnancy and bringing new life into the world was meant to be a marvellous thing, but sometimes it just wasn’t, not when your life was less than ideal. She was alone. The father of her child was about to leave for America. Her heart was torn, shredded, and she was in no way ready to bring a child into the world. She was immature, she was terrible at coping with pressure, and she loved her sleep too much to give it up for a crying baby who needed to be fed every few hours.

She thought about telling Gerard, in the hope that he would stay with her. Then guilt would kick it, and the thought of emotionally blackmailing him to stay, of keeping him away from his dream and destroying his chance of happiness and sobriety if his claim of abstinence was true. He said it himself, it had been his dream since childhood. As much as she hated it, and secretly resented it, this was an opportunity Gerard couldn’t miss. He needed to do it, he needed to accomplish his long cherished dream of being a comic book artist. He'd worked hard for it, he'd struggled through college and internships to get the chance being offered to him now. She wasn’t going to be the person that held him back from his path in life, not when it was a path he needed to take.

 _‘And what about the baby?’_ Inner Voice would interrupt every once in a while, nagging her that it wasn’t just about her, or Gerard. There was another soon-be-be person who didn’t have a say, didn’t have a choice in their circumstances. She was a daddy’s girl herself – she knew just how important a father’s bond was, and how essential it was to a happy, adjusted childhood. She knew that by not telling Gerard, that by holding the truth from him, she was taking away Gerard’s right to choose if he wanted to be involved. She was taking away the child’s right to have their father involved. The thing was, either way, Lilly would have to deal with bitterness and resentment from another person. Gerard would resent her for destroying his chance of achieving his dream, and her child would resent her if she let Gerard go and live the life he always wanted.

There was the alternative. One flight to England, and a few hundred euros, there wouldn’t be a child to answer to. She had thought about it, over and over, weighing up the pros and cons, questioning her own morals and beliefs, if it was justifiable, it she could actually do it. She was pro choice, and in theory, had no issues or qualms over the idea. Every woman had a right to choose what she put her body through. The reality was a little different than what she imagined, though. At night, when she was lying in bed alone, it would hit her that she wasn’t quite alone. There was another being inside of her. A being that, in a few months, would be able to survive outside of her body and breathe for themselves, a thought that was as terrifying as it was exhilarating. It was fascinating, when she let her mind think about it. She was carrying what wouldbe a human being, and though the responsibility was overwhelming, panic-inducing and scary, it was also a privilege. One she wasn’t sure she was fully ready for but it was been thrown at her anyway, and whether she was ready or not, she was going to be a mother. She had yet to tell a single soul. She knew that once she did, there would be pressure to decide, pressure to deal with it, when she wasn’t ready to yet.

It was a Wednesday when she saw the last of Gerard’s notes. It was left on the coffee table, held in place by an ashtray. Lilly had picked it up with shaking hands, wondering what sweet words Gerard would say with a flair that could rip her out.

_Lilly,_

_I was hoping to see you, but maybe it was for the best. There’s nothing I can say that hasn’t already been said, so I suppose this is goodbye. My flight is leaving at 8 tonight, so I guess our paths won’t cross again. I really wish I could have seen you one last time, so that my last memory of you would be something other than your tear_ _-stained cheeks_ _, and a recriminating look. I fucked up, so much. I wish I could take them back, every mistake and every tear I made you cry. It’s the age old expression ‘you don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it_ _'s gone’. I really wish I could have changed your mind, that you could’ve seen that I changed these last few weeks. You deserved better than what I gave you, and I truly wish the best for you_ _, Lilly. You are the most amazing person I have ever met, and nobody could ever compare to you. I just hope_ _that one day you can forgive me. Is it strang_ _e that_ _, as I’m writing this, I wish you’d walk through the door, with that smile on your face, ready to pack your bags and come with me? I thought leaving New Jersey was hard, but nothing compares to the pain of knowing I’m leaving the one person I love most in this world. I wish I could stay, but if I don’t have you, what’s the point? You were the one thing that held me together, and now you won’t even return my calls. I don’t think I will ever forgive myself for losing you. Some regrets you just have to carry with you._

_I love you, Lilly. Maybe I didn’t always show_ _it, maybe I wasn’t great at expressing it, but believe me when I say I did. I always will, I think._

Shock rendered her motionless for what felt like forever. Her hands didn’t shake, her heart didn’t beat, her lungs didn’t inflate and deflate. She stood there, her coat still on, and her keys still in her hands. Then it hit her all at once. Her body trembled, bile was building in her stomach, and her breathing was erratic.

He was gone. He was really gone. Her head was dizzy, the world was spinning, and nothing was real, but the pain filtering into her system.

_‘You still have time. You can reach him. Ring him_ _, you idiot.’_

For once, Inner Voice was encouraging her. Her hands shook so hard, it was almost impossible to press the onscreen keypad, and when she finally managed to dial his number, she was met with an automated  _‘This number is no longer in service’._ Then the full panic set in, and she looked at the time on her phone. It was 6.45. It would take her forty five minutes to reach the airport, if traffic wasn’t atrocious. She had no idea if she would reach the airport in time, or how she would contact him, once she was there, but all she knew was that she had to try. She couldn’t let him go, not without a proper goodbye. Now it was all too clear that this wasn’t how things should end. It couldn’t end this way. With the note clutched in her hand, she ran out the door and prayed she could change her mistake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it guys. One more chapter left. I don't think I'll be heading down the sequel route I'm afraid, for various reasons. I hope you guys stay tuned for the next update and that you enjoyed this chapter.
> 
> Also, who thinks she'll catch up with him? Any ideas about how this will end?
> 
> Lyra xxx


	25. Chapter 25

Lilly hoped the pelting rain wasn’t a metaphor for what was about to come. She raced to her car with a lightning speed she never imagined her legs would be capable of. The traffic was miraculously almost nonexistent as Lilly sped down the motorway in her small car, whizzing by, and overtaking every vehicle that dared to get in her way. She was driving above the speed limit, but she couldn’t even worry about being pulled over or fined right then. All she could think about, and all she could focus on, was getting to Gerard before he boarded his flight. She had to try at least, not just for herself, but for the baby too. She couldn’t think about what would happen if she didn’t reach him in time. She couldn’t think about raising a baby on her own without him. She couldn’t think about Gerard not being there, about him not being in the same country as her, with his arrogant smirk that she hated as much as it made her swoon and blush when he sent one her way, long black hair that as always messy, even when it was styled within an inch of its life with hair products, beautiful hazel eyes that were framed with long, thick eyelashes that any woman would have killed for, and his ability to make her smile, even when she was angry, and smiling was the last thing she wanted to do. She couldn’t contemplate the idea of living in regret for the rest of her life, knowing that she had let Gerard go without doing everything she could to make their relationship work.

It was only then, when Gerard was leaving, that Lilly could see everything in new light. What Gerard had done was inexcusable. He had hurt her down to her core, and in her pain, she had cut him off, instead of trying harder to get through to him just how badly he was hurting her. She could see that she should have done things differently. She should have been more assertive when he tried to brush his issues under the carpet. She should have spoken up earlier when his behaviour got out of control. Ignoring his attempts to contact her, when he was trying to make things right, and change, was something she would never forgive herself for, if he got on the plane without her at least having a chance to say goodbye.

She managed to make it to the airport in forty minutes. Not that Lilly was fully aware of the time that had passed her by. Her eyes had been on the road, and her foot had stayed on the accelerator, and every car that she'd passed by had been a blur. She had occasionally checked the clock, only truly aware that it wasn’t yet eight o’clock. She found a space to park close to the terminal, cursing when she had to push through a crowd walking into the airport. It wasn’t until she stood there, in the wide open entrance, that she realised she had no idea what flight he was on, or if he had already boarded. He could have gone through security already, in which case he was already as good as gone.

“Fuck,” she cursed, every molecule of oxygen escaping her lungs.

She felt the full weight of fear and panic land on top of her shoulders, with frighteningly sharp pain striking her chest. She hadn’t thought about the practicalities of chasing somebody through an airport. There was security  – she couldn’t just go to the departure gate. If he had gone past security, which was likely, given that his flight was probably due to leave shortly, she had already lost him. She dashed through the crowds, racing to check the departure screen. There were several flights going to the United States, in various parts of the country, but only one was scheduled for eight that was marked for New York. She let out a sharp breath, and thanked whatever god was watching over her that the flight was marked ‘DELAYED’ in bright red writing, indicating that it was delayed by at least half an hour. The sprint to the security area wasn’t long, but to Lilly it felt like an eternity, when it was a matter that felt like it was life or death. If she didn’t get to him on time, her life may as well be over. She couldn’t see her future if there was no Gerard in it, in some shape or form. If he got on the plane, she knew it would be the end, and all hope that something could be salvaged would be gone. Her heart was thumping in her chest, a painful reminder of what was at stake.

She was out of breath when she saw the long queue that winded into separate splintered lines where the carry-on luggage was checked, before checking into the departure lounge. Her eyes scanned the crowd, but she saw no sign of Gerard at first glance. He was average height, average build, with dark hair – he was the kind of guy that could fade into the crowd, if he wanted. She cursed under her breath again, not giving up the search. She could see one or two people glancing at her curiously with a worried expression.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” she muttered, her utterances gaining volume, and sounding more desperate with every passing second. Her heart began to break, as her mind finally began to process the fact that she may have missed him. The hope that had been shining brightly, clinging to every desperate move and thought was now vanishing, and a choked sob wretched from her throat in a short exhale of breath, the wet tears leaking from her eyes instantaneously.

She'd missed him. He was on the other side of the barrier, probably sitting on one of the uncomfortable metal seats just outside the gate his plane was boarded at, completely unaware that she had tried to say goodbye. Unaware that he wasn’t just leaving her behind – he had left a part of himself behind, a product of the time they'd spent together.

Then she saw him. It took a couple of blinks for her watery eyes to clear her tears and focus on the figure, clad in a baggy t-shirt and a pair of jeans. His dark hair was messy and all over the place, and from where Lilly stood, it was obvious that his hand had gone through it many times. Her heart skipped a beat, giving her chest a little moment of reprieve from the relentless pounding. Then she saw him shrug his carry-on bag onto a tray, lining up to go through the scanner.

“Gerard!” she yelled, louder than she had ever raised her voice in her twenty four years of existence.

He didn’t hear her. There were too many people in such a relatively small space, talking and dragging suitcases, and filling the air with white noise that drowned her attempts to gain Gerard’s attention. He walked forward, with only two people in front of him, before he went through the scanner and went to the departure area.

She yelled again, her voice carrying a bit further, judging by the people who had turned to look at her with wide eyes and expressions that clearly questioned her sanity. Then, on instinct that was driven from a primitive part of her brain, she ducked under the barrier that separated her from the queue.

People stared at her, people cursed at her as she fought against the crowd.

“Gerard!” she called out again, running and breathless, but still crying out, loud enough for her voice to creep over the white noise.

He turned around, perplexed and bemused. He searched the sea of people, his hazel eyes narrowed as he looked for the source of the noise. He couldn’t see her, though.She knew she was still too far away, and lost in the queue. She could see him turn around again, his back facing her. The security guard called him forward with a wave of a hand, and he stepped through the body scanner.

“Gerard, wait!” she screamed, her voice making him turn around again.

She pushed a women out of her way, muttering an apology that tumbled from her lips from force of habit. His eyes went wide as he finally saw her push through the crowd, glares and evil looks following her.

“Sir, you can’t-“ the security guard  berated when Gerard stepped back through the scanner, ignoring the beeping sound, and the amused stares of the people in the queue behind him.

She was breathless, red in the face, and barely able to speak, when she finally stood in front of him. There were so many things she wanted to say, too many thoughts and feelings she needed to express, but her mind couldn't process anything as she stood there.

“Lilly, what are you doing here?”

His tone was pleasantly astonished, his face breaking into a smile, while his arms brought Lilly into a hug.

“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry for everything. I’ll go with you. I’ll go with you, if you wait for me.”

The words were ripped from her throat, rushed and full of feeling.

“What?” he gripped her arms and pushed her back, so that he could see her face.

His face was hopeful, almost disbelieving what he heard. Lilly hadn’t thought about the words she just spoke, but there was no taking them back now.

“It’ll take a while to get a visa – I don’t know how long it’ll be, but if you wait for me, I’ll follow you.”

His hands found her cheeks, his face dipping to bring their lips together.

“I’ll wait.You know I’ll wait. Do you mean it? You’ll come to New York? Don’t say, it and then change your mind...”

“I mean it. I’ll go. We can work this out. I know we can. I need you. I can’t do this on my own.”

“Lilly, I’m-”

“I’m pregnant,” she cut him off, knowing she needed to say it, before the security guard interrupted them.

“Sir!” The security guard came up behind Gerard, looking extremely pissed off, and clearly not impressed with the display in front of him. Gerard was pale, clearly in shock at the unexpected announcement.

“I’m gonna have to ask you to continue on through security, or go to the back of the line, in which case you may miss your flight.”

“Fuck, are you sure?” Gerard muttered, his voice raising a few octaves, before paling even further when she nodded.

“Sir,” the security guard warned threateningly.

“I have to go, but we’ll talk when I land okay? We’ll skype the minute I get to my parents’ house.”

 “I love you,” Lilly whispered.

“I know,” Gerard replied, a smirk on his face.

“Now is not the time for Star Wars quotes.”

He gave her a last kiss on the lips, then giggled breathlessly, before following the security guard back to the scanner.

She watched him collect his scanned bag on the other side of the barrier, his hands shaking badly, and almost dropping the black messenger bag he carried everywhere with him. He turned towards her, their eyes meeting, and Lilly was vividly reminded of the first time she had seen his eyes, almost a year ago, in the park. He mouthed ‘I love you’, and blew her a kiss. She blew him a kissback, before a sob escaped her lips, when he gave a last wave, and joined the people making their way to the departure gates.

She didn’t attempt to stop the flood of tears falling down her cheeks, or even out the shaky breaths her lungs were releasing. They were tears of victory and joy. Things were screwed up, but knowing that Gerard was going to be there, knowing that he was going to wait for her, made everything seem a little less scary. The true gravity of her announcement to relocate to the US didn’t hit her yet, and probably wouldn’t for some time.

She had no idea how important he was going to be when they met, no clue that he would turn her world upside down, and make her feel like she was finally living life, not just letting life pass her by. Her organised, carefully planned existence went out the window when he caught her attention that day, but she couldn’t help but feel like it was all worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is it. The end...or is it? 
> 
> Possibly not. I had a sequel in mind for this story shortly after its conception, which was based on the original ending I had for this. I don't normally change my endings, but this story went in a direction I wasn't quite happy with. I can't quite pin point why I'm unsatisfied with this story, though I think it's because it went in a slightly different direction than planned. So, with that, I had to change the ending. My original ending didn't sit right with me. I do have a different plot for the sequel in mind. And chances are, I will write it. I have no idea when, so keep an eye out for it. I hope you guys enjoyed this story, and thank you to all you wonderful readers who gave me the motivation and encouragement to write. You guys are awesome. Special thanks to Pixiewayro, who beta'd the majority of this story. She's awesome, go read her stuff if you haven't already.
> 
> Lyra xx


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